Why YES, I did drop off the face of the earth.
Thank you for asking.
OY.
Not to sound like a total baby whiner, but: What a crappy couple of weeks we’ve had…
It started with my father-in-law coming to visit, which turned out to be very stressful. And here’s something weird. And by ‘weird’ I mean ‘super annoying.’ A couple of months ago, BeBop opened his big yapper and spilled the beans to his Dad that I have a blog.
No one in my real life knows about this blog, except for the Blabber Mouth. Not my family, not my sister, not one of my closest friends.
And I am afraid that although BeBop didn’t give him the URL, he might be trying to find it. He casually mentioned how he found an on-line article I’d written a few years ago after googling me.
Suspicious, no?
So, needless to say, I’m a little paranoid to go into detail about why his visit was so anxiety-producing for me. You’d think I’d also be worried about the fact that I have oft-spoken of my areolas and other various LADY PARTS in sickening detail around here, but I figure if you look for someone’s blog and snoop around long enough, you might get more than you bargained for!
NIPPLE NIPPLE NIPPLE NIPPLE
THERE! That oughta teach him a lesson!!
Anyhoos, the visit coincided with my Nanny getting sick, then BeBop, then Jackson and, finally, me. Hideously, horribly sick with a terrible flu.
And really, is there anything worse than a sick kid?
I guess the answer to that question is: YES, TWO sick kids. But thankfully, Parker seems to have (knockonwood) an immune system built of steel because she was the only one who didn’t get sick.
And there’s more delightful news to share from Casa Watson. All of this family strife and drama and the production of copious amounts of mucus also happened to coincide with a downward spiral for me in terms of the post partum depression. I got so very, very depressed and anxious again.
Like I was living life under water, you know? Just slowly making my way each day through a thick, gray fog of some kind. I’m not too proud to admit: this PPD is kicking my A-ESS-ESS.
"I’m not sure I can DO this…" I wailed one night after bathing the babies, feeding them dinner and putting them to bed. Thankfully Bosco the Dog was the only one home at the time and I’d sort of pulled myself together by the time BeBop got home.
And by ‘pulled myself together’ I mean I was sucking down a Crystal Light raspberry lemonade spiked with vodka and shoving a frozen dinner of pesto cheese tortellini in my face.
(That just CAN’T be good, can it?)
Here’s the thing: This whole Motherhood Business is much harder for me than others, that’s the only way I can describe it. When other twin Moms say to me, "Isn’t this FUN?" with squeals of glee, I can only manage a half-hearted smile and meekly respond with a "Uhhhhh, sure… "
Many parts ARE fun. And wonderful and glorious and amazing. But it’s also SO hard. The blue feeling I have constantly, the anxiety, the pressure. The inability to think straight. The self-doubt.
The other day I thought to myself, "Hmmmmm…I wonder if THIS is why people gain weight on anti-depressants?" as I shoved a giant, cream-cheese laden bagel down my gullet.
So yes, I’m back on the Juice. And by ‘Juice’ I mean the Lexapro…it just got to a point where I was feeling too bad, too incapable of getting through the day and accomplishing what I need to at work and at home.
Let’s hope the second time is a charm and it doesn’t make so sick. I’m a few days in, and already feeling better. Placebo effect? Perhaps. But I couldn’t give a crap, because I can honestly say I am starting to feel better.
So that this post isn’t a TOTAL downer, I also have to say that we celebrated a very nice Mother’s Day last weekend. I spent most of the day in sheer shock and disbelief that after so many years of truly hating the day, I was finally able to mark the occasion as a MOM. A crappy one maybe, but still a MOM. And a very grateful one, too, despite everything else going on.
And the babies have started on solid foods, so we’re embarking on a whole new routine. Different schedule, new foods, the DREADED EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK! change. (Which, as we all know, usually sends me over the edge.)
So here’s hoping the happy pills do the trick and I’m able to pull myself out of this abyss.
One-half of the reason I really, really want to get better:
PLEASE someone save me from this vodka-swilling, cheese tortellini-eating CRAZY woman!!
Ok, first of all, rather than denouncing your cocktail, I must give it (and you, the bartender) mad props for it’s healing, yet low-cal properties! It’s rare to find these two properties in one tasty and refreshing place!
Second…GIRL, I am so sorry that your ass is getting kicked like this. I am so new to this game, but am getting way too familiar with the ups and downs and pressures. I am on the verge of tears at all times. For instance, I told W that if the babies hadn’t gained much weight he should prepare for a full breakdown at today’s appt. Instead, they go and gain all the weight we could have hoped for and more, and what do I do? Cry. Fucking crybaby I am.
Thirdly, and this should probably be first… you are NOT a crappy mom. You know that, though. It’s just easy to feel like one with these two helpless beings relying on you for every single little thing.
I don’t have any advice other than keep the Crystal Light and Absolut handy. Another tasty treat – Gin n’ Orangina. Not quite as diet-friendly, but goddamn! It’ll perk ya right up.
PS – I hope if your FIL finds the blog, the first post he reads is the one about your Wizard’s Sleeve! That’ll learn him to go a’googlin’!
Hugs to you! Motherhood totally kicked my ass at the beginning. I loved those babies to death, but I just was super stressed, and I didn’t even have PPD. I was anxious every time I was alone with them, and nothing but time made it better. You will get through this, I promise you. You are a great mom, and those two little munchkins are beyond lucky to have you!
I’m sorry that you feel like you’re backsliding, but it sounds like you’re getting things under control. I hope our little friend Lex does the trick.
And you, my dear Watson, look fabulous, even if you don’t feel that way 🙂
I am sorry the PPD is kicking your ass. You are doing a great job. And if the cocktail helps, take it. I just recently changed my AD to Lexapro and so far, so good. I hope you have the same results.
You look great!
Pesto with Lexapro? Sounds like a great day to me. Love them both.
You look great. Your kid looks scrumptious. It will get better.
Welcome to solid foods–just wait ’til they can pick up pieces of food by themselves, so you can get up and empty the dishwasher while they eat. I was thrilled to be able to do something without hovering over Baby L and spooning mush into his mouth.
Depression and anxiety can be so hard. I hope you are getting all the help you need. I’m glad the lexapro is helping.
You’re just so effin cute.
I hope you get to feeling better. You’re not a crappy mom. I’m sure of it.
i can’t imagine the PPD. i’ve heard it’s regular depression. times ten. as you know i am on lexipro too. and it rocks. its a small dose, but it makes a huge difference. it takes months for it to really work, so you’ll feel even better. i sure hope so.
Listen….don’t think that because other glee squealers seem so thrilled and adjusted… that they aren’t chewing off their own fingers in the privacy of their homes. People dont like to ADMIT that motherhood is freakin HARD as HELL. Bravo to you for being honest! I have ONE baby and I am about to lose it most days. You have two…WOW. I am tired, exhausted, cranky, doubtful, scared, resentful sometimes, confused, tired, tired, tired. I sometimes feel nauseous when my husband leaves…like, oh god, I have to be alone with him again? Its a very odd mixture…pure love with pure torture…isnt it? There are good moments…and as the he get older…the good moments happen more and more often. And the pure love really is there…but I am pretty convinced I wont really know what I am doing …um, ever?
So I don’t have twins, but I have an almost 6 month old and that is hard enough! Anyone who says it is easy is lying through their teeth.
Depression sucks, hang in there. If the Lexapro makes you ill see if they can give you something else.
You are doing great.
Those people squealing with glee are BIG LYING LIARS. Either that or they are heavily medicated and you need to find out what they are on so we can all get some. I mean, yeah, like you said, there are fun parts, but the first few months on balance are so much more hard than fun. You are about to turn a corner, though–six months on out the fun starts to outweigh the hard. A little.
And OMG THAT IS THE YUMMIEST BABY EVER! And you’re pretty adorable yourself. Hang in there, you’re doing just fine.
ok, I am finally going to call, because Sista friend I know so well of what you speak. I think it will do both of us good to just talk and maybe drink Vodka from one coast to the other.
On the plus side, you look great, Parker is too cute for words and you’re really doing a great job. This too shall pass and until it does , you have to remember that you are one damn fine MAMA. You are!!!!
Motherhood is HARD, no one told us, maybe because we were too bitching and moaning about getting pregnant, but they should have tried to at least prepared us,(Not that we would have listened I know). I would have gotten pregnant anyway, but man I wouldn’t feel so frickin inadequate all the time now, I would have known that it’s hard for everyone.
*BIG BIG HUGS* Look for me on the caller ID Mama!!!
I emailed you awhile back so i hope you received it because I TOTALLY relate to you and understand everything you write! I have a friend like that – “isn’t it fun?” – instead of being real and talking about real stuff! LOL It IS hard! And it is fun…but it’s BOTH! Anyway…I love your blog and I check it often. Let me know if you want/need any advice…my blog is just around the corner from yours and I’m just a few months in front of you I believe…My babies are 7 months now.
My twin girls are a few days short of 7 months. IT IS HARD! I love them and we have so much fun and it is getting easier (or I’m getting used to it), but it is a constant struggle to keep up with them. My husband and I are very careful do avoid leaving one another alone with them because that is undoubtedly when they both have a meltdown at the same time (Murphy’s Law). Which leads to a Mommy meltdown shortly thereafter (“I can’t do this” is a frequent theme).
It is great that you can recognize that you have PPD and don’t feel guilty getting help. I think so many times this goes undiagnosed (or kept under wraps) and that is not a good thing for anyone.
I think you are doing a great job and your daughter is adorable! (I guess I am just guessing that’s your daughter, you didn’t actually say that. Hope that’s correct!) You look great, too! I am certainly not that pulled together most of the time. But then again, I wouldn’t allow photographic evidence of that.
Come on, happy pills!
I hear twins are hard work (yeah, heard that somewhere) and well, I hear one is hard work! You are doing your best!
Good luck with the poop from the solids 😉
moms who have that “isn’t this fun?” attitude must be the most seriously disturbed because they are clearly faking the whole thing. either that or they have the really good drugs! i don’t know why so many moms have this thing about having to make everyone believe they’re handling it all so well, maybe because one last piece of uninvited advice will drive them over the edge? maybe it’s the only antidote they have for all the self-doubt?
if your happy pill makes you sick try a new happy pill. and drinking in the middle of the day is COMPLETELY justified. the main thing that gets me by is having a group of girlfriends who have all seen the bottom and will share a bottle of wine or two with me over a “playdate”. we’re cynical and jaded and make horrible jokes about the evil underbelly of new motherhood; it’s pretty much like how bloggers like you get me through infertility! 🙂
I can’t imagine how difficult being a mother is going to be for me and I can’t imagine doing it all times two. You have great responsibility. I’m so sorry the PPD has been so difficult and I hope it eases up soon. Do what you’ve gotta do, just try not to judge your performance as a mother too harshly!
I keep wondering if anyone I know if reading my blog…I hope not.
One’s hard enough, two must be, well anyway, there are those happy pills so take them if you need to.
I blame it on the hormones!
And that pic… wow! 🙂
XXX
lol- I hope FIL gets what he deserves if he finds this! haha..I doubt he would read very far. As far as the PPd thing….I hope that the happy drugs (and continued use of vodka as needed!) get it under control soon. Sheesh…two babies would cause severe anxiety in anybody with half a brain! I only have one and can’t get him fed, bathed, and in bed by myself. How do you manage two? You are doing a great job and here in a few monthes, when your babies start saying “I love you,” you will know it. Oh, and as for the weight issue- you look great despite the vodka, bagle, and tortillini. Bottoms up!
Yes, yes and yes. Mama to twin infants is hard, hard, hard. Everyone finds their own way – when I had my twins, most of my friends had had kids already, and I just listened and listened and surveyed and asked questions and gleaned what might work for me from their stories. The biggest lesson was not to compare, not even with other twin moms. One of the best sayings I heard was “figure out what works for you as a family.” This was said in regard to sleeping routines, but it could apply to any situation.
Just ignore the overly-cheerful: they are focusing on only the positive, but if it gets on your nerves, dismiss what they say. Who knows, one day, when it’s all easier, someone might perceive you as being overly-cheerful! It’s all perspective, and yay for them that they’re so cheerful.
For me, how very tired I was all of the time was the hardest, and that’s what makes twin moms suffer – usually moms of one baby get more sleep! And sleep deprivation can be the main factor determining a good mood or a bad mood!
When my b-g twins were infants, I loved it when people would say things like “how do you manage two?” and “how do you do it?” and “wow, you’re amazing.” Those kinds of comments felt very affirming. I hope you’re eating that up! And it’s true – you’re amazing! One last thing – it really helped me to have someone help me on a regular basis. Can you get someone to be your helper? It took away a lot of anxiety for me, knowing there was someone else around to step in when I needed a break or a nap or just a second pair of hands!
mmmmm…vodka……is but a distant memory for me….
keep in there. Keep stuffing your face with tortellini if it helps. Do what it takes. Keep yourself safe and protected…until it gets better, coz it will.
I used to hate people giving me crap pep talks in bad moments and here I am doing it too.
mmmmm….vodka…….
I am glad that you are realizing that depression is the culprit for the clouds that follow you around. And functioning in water is a perfect analogy. Depression is evil, especially since it is so hard to quantify or “prove.” But it is so real and can be really debilitating. Your PPD is alot like my depression (the anxiety and the overwhelming sadness.) Going back on your meds is nothing to be ashamed of!! Taking care of yourself is vital.
You and your daughter are absolutely beautiful!!!
XOXO