You know those formerly-infertile women who go through IVF, get pregnant immediately and just sail through nine blissful months of happiness and good health?  The women who never have any other issues, because Lord knows they paid their dues with ART and now they’re gliding through pregnancy with ease and little baby angels singing in the background and sweet-smelling potpourri coming out of their ass? 

You know the ones I’m talking about??

Yeah.  Me neither.

I’m fine, everything is fine. So far, so good. 

But remember when I talked about the chances of my Natural Killer Cells staging a rebellion, or perhaps even a coup?  Well, that is in fact happening. My numbers were elevated last week, so I have to go in for another IVIG/infusion which as you all know, is just my favorite thing in the world.  (Mmmmmm….yummy!  More of some stranger’s blood by-products coursing through my veins.)

Plus, I have to start taking Prednisone.  And continue taking the Metformin until at least 12 weeks.

And my thyroid is up, so I’ll need to increase the dose of my thyroid medication too.

(And just when I was about to place my order for The Organic Pregnancy book on Amazon!  DAMN YOU to hell killer cells and retarded thyroid.)

Other than extreme bouts of whining about having to cram all those meds down my gullet, I don’t have too  many symptoms so far. I really don’t know what’s going on IN THERE.  I assume I’m still pregnant, my next Beta isn’t until this Wednesday.  And my first scan is the 21st, so I guess it’s all one big crap shoot until then.

Symptom Watch 2007:  (When you read this, you have to imagine those overly-dramatic Storm Watch segments that the news stations do.  With the scary DUHN DUHN DUHN music and the flashy headlines they use to scare you into watching.  Around here they’ll say:  STORM WATCH 2007!  Gale-force winds!  Winds up to 20 miles per hour.  They might even blow your hair back! And it will be freezing cold. Possibly below 65 degrees!! And torrential rainstorms in the forecast!  YOU MIGHT GET WET.  Stay tuned!!)

So that’s what I’m going to do:  SYMPTOM WATCH 2007!!  [Insert dramatic music here…]  I haven’t had any nausea, and my boobs are just starting to get sore. It’s weird that they weren’t more tender while I was on the PIO shots, because the all-natural form of progesterone I used to take would cause me such utter agony in the chestal region I could barely walk up and down my stairs without an industrial strength brassiere on.  So I consider myself lucky on this one.  Although, speaking of my boobs, my areolas are freaking huge. It looks like I have two slices of bologna attached to the front of my chest.

(I’m not quite sure why I chose to draw such a specific picture for you. Forgive me.)

Moving on. 

I should have a good story later this week, because my Mom leaves tomorrow for Sedona where she’s spending several hours a day in something called a Life Pod or Vessel or something like that.  I guess it uses sound, light, energy and something else (she’s notoriously scant on details!) to heal you of, according to my Mother, everything.

She said yesterday, "Once you and your sister are done having babies, I’m sending you both to the Life Pod to cleanse your systems."

Done having babies?

Man, that seems like a long way away from where I stand now…

DAMN, I’m happy I can stop those shots.

Although to be fair, I didn’t really have a lot of boob soreness from the PIO. (I actually felt a lot worse when I was taking the all-natural form my acupuncturist was giving me before the cycle. That turned me into a raving, boob-swelling maniac.) So my bad, PIO, you gave me ass-welts that still hurt, but I probably shouldn’t blame you for any breast-related issues.

My progesterone was 500-something, so they said while I should continue with the ever-delightful (and not messy AT ALL) suppositories, I could stop the injections as of Monday night.

I was in such a fog when the nurse called me Monday with the Beta results, I actually had to call back and verify that she told me to stop the shots. "Are you SURE?" I must have asked fourteen frillion times.

BeBop called me earlier that morning to inform me his cell phone battery was dead.

"Are you freaking KIDDING ME?" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "This will be the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT PHONE CALL of your whole, entire goddamn life, and you can’t manage to have your cell charged?" I shrieked into the phone.

"I know," he said, "it’s crazy." Which is what he always says when I complain what a doofus he is. 

After my blood test I went shopping to distract myself, but ended up getting home around noon, knowing they wouldn’t call until after 2:00.  Each time the phone rang I literally flew off my chair about three feet in the air.

2:15: BeBop calls.  "Have you heard anything?" he asked, inexplicably.  Being the nice, understanding and sweet insane and highly irritable wife I am, I yelled into the phone, "YEAH.  I heard the Beta results and I’m just sitting here picking my fucking nose. Don’t you think I’ll call you right away??" [SLAM.]

2:25 My sister calls.  "Have you heard anything?" she asked.  "No, but I am literally about to have a freaking heart attack." [SLAM.]

Finally, at about 3:30, the nurse called with the good news, and she put me out of my misery fairly quickly. "I have good news," she said almost immediately. "Your Beta is 157…" and then everything went numb. I started to cry, but was trying to listen to her and take notes because I knew I wouldn’t remember the exact numbers.

Of course I called BeBop right away, and thankfully he was at his desk so I wouldn’t have to start divorce proceedings over the fact that he couldn’t manage to have his cell phone charged, on THIS, of all days.  I think he started crying too.

Then my sister, and my Mom, who immediately thanked her Indian guru.

At this point, I’ll thank him and anyone else out there who can help make all of this happen. 

Tomorrow is Beta #2 and another Natural Killer Cell test to make sure the little buggers aren’t all, oh no she diin’t.

Thank you all for your sweet comments. A million, gajillion thank yous to everyone who commented.   I heart you thiiiiiiiiiiiis much.

***

I just heard this very second:

Second Beta came back at 385.

I can finally breathe now, right? At least a little bit…