Oh. That makes much more sense…
Actually, that whole thing will make much more sense in a minute or two.
But first.
Can I start by saying that I totally freaking cursed myself in my last post by saying I was feeling pretty good and that I wasn’t suffering from too many dreaded pregnancy symptoms?
And THEN I went on to say something stupid about pulling my head out of my ass, remember that?
Well, let’s say for the sake of argument that I really did have my head up my ass, and let’s also say I decided (for what reason I don’t know but just go with me on this for a sec) that I decided to take a looksy around, what do you think I would have seen??
I’ll give you a hint: It starts with "H" and rhymes with emorrhoid.
Or, even better…an anal fissure.
Yes. You read that correctly. I actually wrote the words ‘anal’ and ‘fissure’ in a sentence.
(And you just read that sentence. God help you if you recently ingested any food products!)
For a few days late last week, I was in hell. It felt like I was crapping broken glass each time I used the facilities.
During most of the IF treatments I underwent and especially during my IVF cycle I stayed away from all things Google-related, choosing instead to put my fingers into my ears and sing LA LA LA This Will Work Despite The Statistics That Say Otherwise, but of course once I was faced with cornhole issues I sprinted to the computer and typed in ‘natural remedies for hemorrhoids’ and here’s what the oh-so-helpful Internet had to say:
Cranberry Poultice
For relief of hemorrhoids within an hour, here what you can do:
* Blend 3-4 tablespoons of raw cranberries
* Wrap a tablespoon of this blend in some cheesecloth
* Push it up against your anus and keep it there with some tight underwear
* After an hour or so replace it with a new batch of berries and cloth
Apply these berries twice and do it the next day if necessary.
Hmmmmmmm…this sounded a little too similar to a holiday-themed cranberry dip recipe I love, which I was sure I could never enjoy again after shoving a cheesecloth of smashed cranberries up my bunghole, so I moved on to the next suggestion:
In the book Heal.ing Visualiza.tions, the author suggests you close your eyes, breathe out three times and imagine that your hemorrhoids are puckering up like an old purse. Picture them shriveling and disappearing as the walls of the anus become pink and smooth. He goes on to suggest you practice this imagery for one to two minutes of every waking hour, for up to 21 days, until the hemorrhoids fade.
Hmmmmmm…I thought again. Imagining my hemorrhoids as an old purse just didn’t appeal to me either for some strange reason. I mean, old lady purses smell funny and are filled with random objects like unwrapped mints, old, used hankies, and totally outdated pink lipstick and the like. If he had suggested I envision my rear as a vintage Coach bag, well, then perhaps I could have gotten behind this plan. (BAH DAH BUM.)
I quickly realized I would have to abandon my plan of finding a good natural option and instead head to the local drugstore to purchase some over the counter medicated pads soaked in witch hazel.
And can I just say ahhhhhhhh THE RELIEF. Thank God for the medicated hemorrhoid pads and I never in a million years thought I’d write a sentence like that.
And I’m also shoving ground flax seeds and prunes down my gullet like there’s no tomorrow and the whole combination seems to be working out for me.
But I did hit rock bottom for a while there. I was totally bummed out. I felt totally anal about finding some relief as soon as possible. I just wanted to put the whole thing behind me.
Just like you probably feel about this post…
I swear your blog gets more funny with each post. I’m REALLY hoping that I can surpass the whole ‘roids issue, but we’ll see. How is your belly feeling? I’m not very big yet, but we’re going to be five months this Thursday. We’re starting to feel them kick!!!!
I hope the ‘roids clear up soon!
Dude. Been there. Fissure (god help me) and all. Oh, the horror.
Thanks. I needed a laugh!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
hope the fiber treatments put an end to this…
omg – you have such a knack for taking something horrible and making it so freakin’ hilarious for the viewers at home! I am definitely hoping I can avoid this too, “butt” at least now I know to avoid the home remedies.
I can’t believe you’re in your 3rd trimester already – amazing! Congrats on getting to the home stretch!
Only you could make a pain in the ass so freakin’ hilarious! I hope your ‘roids clear up soon. 🙂
Hilarious 🙂 Hope you feel better soon!
Colace, baby.
I’m trying REALLY hard not to giggle, only because I know it will eventually be my turn…
Owie! Owie!
When I was on 200 mg of Clomid, I was introduced to the same (cough) complication… I never want to be there again! Benefiber and Colace became my friends (but they couldn’t ease the crapping glass feeling).
Please feel better.
OMG!
Feel better Watson, I have not felt “this symptom” yet, but the constipation did make Colace my new best friend and 2 weeks I gave in and have one enema (and you can Stop laughing RIGHT NOW) and I felt like a new woman, I cried afterwards for the shear relief.
I hope the roids go away and stay there. 🙂
He he he. You never fail to make an potential unfunny subject into something completely funny.
You did once again make this too funny, but commiserations all the same My dear Watson, may they leave as soon as they came 🙂 XXX
“I felt totally anal about finding some relief as soon as possible” – now, that, My Dear Watson, is pretty darn funny.
Was the pun intended in the last paragraph? Being totally ANAL about getting this behind you as soon as possible? Too dang funny!
I figured you were a Bay Area person with your hippie dippie mom and your Dr. Z visiting ways. If my numbers are right, then maybe we can meet up at a moms of mults thingy somewhere…
Too great!
I called my nurse after getting ‘roids. She said, after having given me her remedy, “Now, do you understand how this happened?”. I said, “Yes Ma’am, I do, and I will never let this happen again.”, to which she said, “Good, see that you don’t!”. It was like talking to my own sweet Mama. LOL
I’m still laughing at you usage of “feeling totally bummed out.”
I’m glad you found the right remedy for you, and all is looking rosy.
Brings back memories!!! You are the only person I know who make this situation funny!
You had me at the visual of you shoving cranberries up your ass. Hahahaaha. Oh man. I’m sorry. I was one of the luckiest ladies ever in regards to being extremely regular during pregnancy. That said, I know the anal fissures. I had them the summer before I got pregnant, and I would cry every time I went to the bathroom. Not to mention, it’s very disconcerting when you see a toilet bowl full of red and you know it’s not from cranberries.
ohmyword you poor dear. how awful. ouch! i hope it gets better soon, and let us all remember this as comfort after a negative beta. “being not pregnant sucks but at least i won’t crap glass.”
Have I told you lately that I love you?
I was JUST wondering if it would be unseemly to post again about my intestinal/rectal issues. Well, to be less diplomatic, I was wondering if it would be out of order to post about the fact that I crap about once every three days now, and that when I do, my butt bleeds, I nearly pass out from the pain, and then it invariably clogs the toilet?
As usual, you have answered the questions that I never dared to even ask.
Good luck with those prunes. I made the great mistake of buying a lifetime supply of prune juice before ever having tasted the stuff. If I ever wondered what pure evil tasted like, now I have my answer. The fact that I’m drinking it anyway is compelling evidence of the fact that I feel your pain.
Yeah, it really makes you rethink the whole bran-wheat germ quotient of your diet.
Hoping these are the last grape clusters your nay nay is privy to.