As you may have noticed, I tend to reference Zee a lot on this blog — and will continue to do so thankyouverymuch until that restraining order goes into effect.
A few weeks back, we had this delightful exchange in the comments section, and ever since, I can’t get the idea of my cervical mucus deserting me out of my head.
We guessed that perhaps our mucuses (mucusi??) were together, having hit the road leaving us high and dry (HAR HAR).
At first, I had an image of my CM tying up her worldly possessions in a bandanna on the end of a long stick, and hitting the railroad cars all hobo-like. But then I realized that having sprung forth from MY loins, that was not very likely. I hate hobos and I’m sorry if that offends any of you, but it’s true. They’re scary and have an uncanny sense of direction and nothing you say can make me like them, NOTHING!
Anyway, I decided that my mucus was probably on one of two trips: either digging water trenches in a remote Sri Lankan village, or sitting by the pool of a fancy spa awaiting a massage and seaweed wrap. (WHAT? It’s good for the cellulite!!)
So, given that she deserted me a couple of years ago and left me alone to navigate the waters (wow, this topic is just PUN RICH isn’t it?) of trying to get pregnant, I would compose an open letter to her in the hopes of luring her back.
Dear Cervical Mucus,
I know we’ve been apart for several years now. I’m not sure why you determined that this was an appropriate time to leave town, just when I needed you most! Perhaps you felt ignored for so long, since before I read a popular book about you, I didn’t even know you existed, and that was rude of me. (My friend recommended the book and I read it immediately, and then we would ask each other: "how do you CHECK that stuff anyway? Ewwwww… ." And I’d leave messages for her like: "sorry I missed you but I bet you’re too busy checking your cervical mucus to answer the phone …snort snort!" and then be petrified that her husband would hear the message first. )
So, perhaps that offended you and you were fed up, and instead of confronting me like a mature CM (and at 38 staring-down-the-barrel- of 39, we’re MATURE, honey child) you decided to take off. No note, no text message. Not even a scrawl on a panty shield saying you’d be back once you cooled off. Nothing!
But, this letter is not about incriminations or blame. (Except? I do blame you for forcing me to search high and low for a lubricative substance that wouldn’t impede the trying to get knocked up scenario. Buying the homeopathic version at Whole Foods along with organic vegetables and fruit smoothies is NOT pleasant.) But, onward and upward. I hope that your vacation has been restful and that you’re ready to return home. Soon.
Each month I search for you, hoping against hope that either the green tea I’ve been swilling or the cough medicine I’m gagging on (and I don’t even HAVE a COUGH — I read about that on iVillage and GAWD, what a nightmare those message boards are!!) will be enough to coax you back home.
And let me tell you, looking for you is NO easy task. Sneaking into the restroom at work and, well, entering your domain and praying the contractor did not install a secret camera in the ladies’ bathroom when we renovated the office is NOT pleasant. (And why does that thought even occur to me? I think I must watch too much Dateline or something!)
But alas, each month I diligently look for you. I’ve considered putting your photo on the back of a milk carton, but I’m not sure that’s something people want to see as they’re enjoying their breakfast cereal.
At this point, I’m not sure what else to do. I’m resorting to this open letter, hoping that by some miracle you’ll see it and come home. By the way, your old pals — my ovaries — have somewhat stepped up to the plate lately, what with the ovulating around Day 16, and they would greatly appreciate your help too.
So, CM, please come home. I’ll leave the light on and some milk and cookies on the nightstand. And watch out for those hobos. Which, when you think about it, is good advice for ANYONE.
Love,
Watson
Hey Watson!
If you’re up for some good ole assvice, I have a recommendation for you, if you haven’t already tried it: Pre-seed. It’s a pH-balanced special lubricant specifically created for trying to conceive. It replicates natural EWCM, is completely safe for sperm (all other lubricants kill sperm), and because it’s applied internally with an applicator, lubricates the vaginal area as well as the cervix, which helps the sperm travel! 😉
You can purchase it online at http://preseed.com/ or I have actually been able to buy it at my local fertility clinic, so you may want to call fertility clinics in your area and see if they stock it in the pharmacy.
Anyway, if you already knew about this product, then feel free to go ahead and ignore my comment! 😉
All the best, and I hope EWCM sends a postcard at least!
😉
Nilla
Hi Nilla – You rock! I have heard the scuttlebutt about pre-seed, but thought it was mostly hype…I’ve stayed away from the regular products and found an all natural homeopathic one that supposedly helps with fertility, but of course it hasn’t done the trick so I am totally going to buy some pre-seed!
HA! I’ll show that CM of mine when I bring in an interloper that might be able to do the job 🙂
And I am ALWAYS up for advice, suggestions, you name it, so thank you!
Hi Watson,
Cool! I’m glad you found it helpful. I have used Pre-seed and found it to work GREAT. I really liked it, and could tell it had a much different consistency compared to other regular types of lubricants. And, I figure if my Fertility Clinic is selling and recommending it — then there had to be something there. 🙂
Plus, being an exhaustive researcher type of person, I took each ingredient listed and individually researched it online, and that also led me to believe that it was a steller product. 🙂
I hope it works well for you! (and scares your own EWCM to return!! ;))
Nilla
I hope that this letter does the trick. Or at least the pre-seed does. I find it quite odd that you’re ovulating yet not having any CM.
Please, CM, can’t you see she’s really sorry and wants you to come home???
Oh my goodness. What does it say about us when a letter to cervical mucus doesn’t sound the least bit odd? Hope it works!
I hope your CM gets the letter!
I have friend who tried REAL egg whites. I can’t remember if it worked….but I do remember that warming the egg whites up to room temperature before use is a must.
Hey! You linked to me again! I feel so important!
My guess is that you’re right, and our CM has taken an extended vacation. Club Med, maybe? (Mine does check in every once in a while though, but it’s usually WAY out of synch with the ovulation temp rise. Clearly it’s not on speaking terms with my eggs and chooses to avoid any involvement in ovulation. And can you blame it really? Who wants to hang out with the decrepit old stinkers anyway? Vikingboy’s sperm seem to avoid them like the plague, so why should my CM be more tolerant?)
So I have to second Nilla’s recommendation of Preseed. I was using it the one and only time I got pregnant, so who knows? (Then again, it hasn’t happened since, so you can take that for whatever it’s worth.) Anyway, if the Preseed can only be helpful, why the hell not? What’s one more thing to squirt up the vageenie? It becomes sort of a hobby after a while. (And even if it doesn’t intimidate your CM, you may find that you don’t even miss it anymore! HA! Let the hobos have their way with it!)
Oh, that’s too funny. Mine hasn’t paked up and left yet, but it’s certainly only making a half-hearted attempt and turning up every month. I might need to start on an intervention before it’s too late …
I love it, I love it, I love it! Hilarious!
I think perhaps textbook fertile CM is a myth. I have become the kook with the shaky video camera, combing the forests of the Pacific NW in search of bigfoot. Only I am doing my searching in the bathroom for eggwhite on my TP.
I am off cooking with actual eggwhites now. I feel they mock me.
Have you tried PreSeed? They don’t sell it anywhere where I live, but I order online. I would say it seems to work well, but my empty uterus is hardly a testimonial to that. It works well comfort-wise anyway.
And I abandoned the IVillage boards months ago. Cough syrup, V-8 Splash? Sounds like TTC voodoo to me.
I think a bunch of us should organize a CM search party. Maybe all of ours are hiding in the same place, like a commune somewhere.
Yes, of course! A CM commune. Think of it: Instead of helping us get knocked up, our CM has dropped out and turned on, and is now happily making macrame belts, smoking weed, and practicing tantric veganism. (With no offense meant to pot-smoking, macrame-belt-making, tantric vegans, of course.) There may even be free love involved–which, under the circumstances, would really frost my ass…
Hmmmmmm…I think Sara and Zee might be on to something…I am going to form a search party and head to Berkeley, because where else would a commune of CM be living?!
If I smell Patchouli or hear Phish playing in the background, I’ll let you know.
I hate to be the bad fairy, but preseed doesn’t substitute for EWCM as it only helps in the vagina, and you need the EWCM all the way through the cervix. It’s not a bad thing because it is sperm friendly, etc., but sad to say it’s not going to be the thing that tips the balance.
I hope your EWCM comes home soon.
bravo!
Come home soon Watson’s EWCM or you’ll have all of us in blogland to deal with. We can be an angry bunch you know. Seriously, I think my EWCM is joining the party in Haight/Ashbury – i don’t think I’ve heard from mine since the Nixon era when I was born. They don’t call, they don’t write. OK, if EWCM does’nt want to come home, can she at least send a care package to get through the fertile days??!! We’ll even pay for shipping.