Guest Appearance By Bosco The Dog

So, ummmm…Yeah. 

My Mom told me I wouldn’t eat for a month if I didn’t pose for these crazy photos.  She said her ‘Blog Readers’ (Yeah right!  Like anyone would read the drivel she comes up with. HA.) demanded to see pictures of me in this silly outerwear that I do not — I repeat:  DO NOT — enjoy wearing. 

All of the other dogs at the park make fun of me.  Even the POODLES for chrissake!

Every night we go through the same routine:  Mom comes home, I jump all over her (although secretly wishing it was Dad because to be honest I love him more, but she’s better than that ass-faced Fed Ex guy) and then she greets me with a series of names that are not Bosco, including but not limited to Bossy Boo Boo, Booga Bear, Bear Bear, Stink Butt, Scramy Saurus and a million other humiliating monikers. 

GAWD.  What is with her?

Then, she pets me and throws my favorite toy (the purple football) around the room.  Then, each night she says this:

"I’m going upstairs to change Bossy." 

PAUSE. 

LOOKS AT ME.

"You should say, ‘don’t change Mommy, I love you just the way you are.’"

Yes. You read that correctly.  She talks to me, and then answers her own statement as if she WAS me. 

And you people said she wasn’t a crackpot! 

I was not happy about this little endeavor.

"But it’s for the people," my Mom whined at me.

"Not unlike the Masai warriors of East Africa," I responded, "I believe that taking photos steals a piece of my soul."

She was not buying it.  She arranged the outfits in order and waved a treat in front of my snout to provide me with the right motivation.

"It’s all about the story. You bring a character to the shoot and despite the clothes or make-up, YOU should shine through. You really should be paying attention when I watch America’s Next Top Model," she said.

"Model THIS," I snorted under my breath.

 

I feel like freaking Suri Cruise with all the hoopla surrounding these photos!   

 

 

OH SNAP.  This shot makes me look old. I need a better art director, stat.

Here I’m getting into the spirit of things.  This red coat isn’t too bad, but the quilting does make me look fat.

I’m ready for the next outfit.  Can we please hurry up?  I feel like dragging my butt across the carpet, just for the hell of it.

Now this little number is a Gortex wonder!  It totally keeps the rain off me.  My Dad conned my Mom into paying for it last winter, the cheap bastard!

OK folks.  This is getting old. Here I am with my football and I wish with all my heart I could take this jacket off and just be left alone to bite the plastic toy and drool all over the carpet.  Mmmmmmm….drool.

I cannot believe she put me in THIS monstrosity.  The bitch.  And I don’t mean that in a good way.  My grandparents gave this to me, and believe it or not, it has a battery pack in it that powers an illuminated strip down the sides.  THAT BLINKS. "For those late night walks," they told me.  I feel like throwing myself under a speeding SUV when I have to wear this out in public.

I want to cry.  Or pee on your bed.