I Graciously Accept This Award

*Edited to add*

I am such a loser, I started this rant without really making clear that no, while I have not tested yet, I just KNOW I am not pregnant.  Thank you careful readers for mentioning that I neglected that detail. 

I guess you could say, in terms of trying to stay positive: I’m just not that into you.

I cannot bring myself to test and see yet another blank white window. I can’t I can’t I can’t.  See below re:  self-pity morass.

In honor of National Self-Pity Day, I am happy to accept this award for Most Pathetic. 

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.  This moment is so much bigger than me.  This moment is for all the women who stand beside me, the nameless, faceless infertiles who have also experienced the self-pity that comes with not getting pregnant.  Gosh, this is somewhat of a surprise, so I didn’t really prepare a speech.  I mean, I feel like I am the most pathetic, but I just didn’t expect to be recognized by my peers like this.

Thank you. I’m so honored. So honored. I’d like to thank, first and foremost…my reproductive system!  Without her, I wouldn’t be standing here before you, accepting the title of Most Pathetic.  Despite all of my efforts over the last few years, she has remained steadfast in her refusal to get pregnant. Amazing!  Through treatments and breaks alike, my feminine bits have worked closely together like a well-oiled machine to thwart any attempt to reproduce.  It’s truly inspiring, the way my ovaries have acted on screen like they were prepared to produce an egg or two, what with the follicles and all, only to somehow fail to do so, month after month.  And the uterus.  What can I say?  She, along with her partner the cervix, has stayed in the background of this drama, giving the ovaries the spotlight and never complaining about the long hours of filming.

Thanks to modern medicine as well, who has been unwavering in its failure to figure out exactly what is wrong with me.  I couldn’t have made it without their vague label of ‘unexplained infertility’ which they so graciously bestowed upon me.

Gulp, sniff sniff (tears start to form at the corners of my eyes, then stream down my face, while I try to dab with a hanky)…I’m sorry.  This is just so overwhelming.

Thank you.  I,I,I…who else? Let’s see: 

I need to thank lastly and not leastly, Long’s Drug Store for supplying me with home pregnancy tests month after month, along with the tampons and panty shields I needed after those tests came back negative.

I know, I know, my time’s almost up, (sob, sob) I can hear the band starting!   Just, just thank you to everyone who helped me get here, this award is such an honor.  Thank you for giving me this chance, for believing that I could be the Most Pathetic. 

THANK YOU   THANK YOU  THANK  YOU