Last week I slipped and fell in the local Whole Foods.
You might be thinking, SWEET! I hear a lawwwwwwsuit! Watson can stop working and stay home with the kids…
But alas, no.
To say I freaked out would be an understatement. I landed in a very awkward position on the floor (after slipping, I think, on some butter or salad dressing or something) with one leg out in front and the other one sort of bent backwards at the knee. I was so shocked I just sat there for a minute, with my basket next to me on the floor.
And then I started crying. BAWLING.
Finally, one of the employees helped me up and kept asking if I was okay, if I wanted her to get a manager. But all I could do was cry and wonder if such an ungraceful fall could hurt the you-know-whos.
(OOOOHH! I’m seeing a Hanson-style pop band in a few years…called the You Know Whos. The world will need a re-mix of MmmmmmBop by then and Momma’s definitely gonna need a new pair of shoes. And some help paying for college, so get a move on babies!!)
Where was I? Oh yeah…the humiliating ass-landing.
Can I just tell you that I am the LEAST flexible human being on earth? Well, I am. Ever since I was seven and basically flunked out of gymnastics because although I could do the rolling around on the mat part, I could barely master a basic somersault and just FOGEDDABOUT the parallel bars or God forbid the splits which were the bane of my existence and apparently, still are.
Anyhoo, I ran sobbing by the salad bar and the cheese department and the deli to the restroom, making a huge spectacle out of myself. Most people in Whole Foods are very mellow, man…just chillin’, buying the all-organic food and shit. Waiting to get home and smoke a bowl or light some Patchouli or save the world by decreasing their carbon footprint or whatever. Very few of those people are crying uncontrollably.
After splashing some cold water on my face and getting myself together, slightly, I finished my shopping and ran to my car to call the doctor who said to come in. When I got there, I saw a new physician who basically told me to chill out, it was so early a fall like that couldn’t harm the little passengers.
I called my sister who said, "Well, THAT’S what you get for shopping in those health food stores!" She was referencing my fall last year at the local Mollie Stone’s that was caused by an unidentifiable but very slippery substance that also left me flat on my ass on the floor, in a splits-like position.
WHAT?
I told you even on a GOOD day I am terribly inflexible and so totally not graceful it’s embarrassing.
*** *** *** ***
So The Mother is back in the Sedona Life Pod for a few days. When I told her I was going down to LA this weekend to stay with my sister she said, "What are you going to DO down there?? You know, your sister can’t do very much…"
Ummmm, YES. Isn’t that the FRICKING point? She seemed so totally bored by the prospect of doing laundry and going to Babies R Us and getting the room organized. Oy. I am hoping those of you who promised me this non-nurturing gene would at the very least skip a generation are right!!
*** *** *** ***
So can I just say I am looking terrible these days?
Where is that mythical, pregnant lady glow crap? Really, I look like shit. My hair is drab and stringy and my roots dark, I have bags and coal-like circles under my eyes. (As if bags weren’t enough!) And my skin? Oh good Lord. I am breaking out like a teenager. Like a teenager who eats french fries and rubs Crisco on her face each night before bed.
I have one zit directly in the middle of my nose. IN THE EXACT MIDDLE of the tip of my nose. If I had hired a team of NASA scientists to calculate in fractions of millimeters the exact middle of my nose, they could not have gotten it any closer to the middle…I don’t know why anyone would actually hire a team of scientists to measure such a thing, that would be weird. But I’m just saying it’s literally like a red beacon in the EXACT MIDDLE of my nose.
And my saliva production has increased a thousand-fold. What the hell is that about? I’m always afraid I’ll look like a recent stroke victim with drool running down my chin (my pimply chin!) and I won’t notice.
Add to this vision of loveliness the unsightly weight gain. Which doesn’t at all look like pregnancy weight, it looks like a tubby tummy that comes from eating way too much and exercising way too little.
It’s like going back in time really, to junior high school. The bad hair, bad skin and the chubbiness. I look like a very old, tired thirteen-year-old, if you can picture that. (But don’t if you’re about to eat anytime soon!)
(Throw in faking cramps to get out of gym class, and you basically have a good idea of what the 7th and 8th grades were like for me.)
But I don’t mean all of that in a complain-ey type of way, I really don’t. Under the zit-covered skin, the stringy hair, the bags and the circles, the extra weight and the drool, there beats the heart of a very, very grateful girl. A hideous, but very happy, girl.
I should be a total hit in Los Angeles, where we all know looks don’t mean a thing. God. Now that I think about it, they might not even let me out of the airport. I might have to pack a paper bag or something…
Who know about all those fun side effects. Hopefully as you settle in, your body will get used to it and stop and that nonsense! Have fun in LA and take care!
holy smokes lady. sorry about the fall! how scary! you know some stupid hippy dropped some patchouli on the floor…grrr. hippies. they suck.
glad everything’s ok. you know, you’ve got estrogen pumping through your veins..so you might find yourself crying a lot.
you need a day at the spa!!
You crack me up. I’m so happy I stopped by your blog today. I’m having a really bad day and you made me smile.
Thank you, Deb
Can I forgive you for the horrible confusing guilt I felt on realizing I was laughing hysterically at a pregnant lady falling flat on her ass?
Maybe….
Dude. You need to put a WARNING up there before you start the post!!!
The stroke victim with the drool image… well, I laughed out LOUD. In the middle of a meeting with the partner. It was bad. Very bad.
Good grief, you are one freaking funny woman. Can I just tell you how much I love you? (in a blogger-to-blogger way, nothing scary or stalkerish here!)
Glad you survived the fall! And you certainly have a right to complain about unpleasant pregnancy related symptoms, especially in such a funny way!
Glad you survived the fall! And you certainly have a right to complain about unpleasant pregnancy related symptoms, especially in such a funny way!
It’s good to know that I am not the only one who tends to slip and fall on unindentified substances. Some claim that I also fall on imaginary substances, but I argue that, just because the substance cannot be seen with the naked eye, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Right? But I didn’t even think about falling while pregnant. I don’t blame you for being scared out of your mind. I know that I would be, too. But I am very glad to know that all three of you are fine!
It might be worth your while to buy some new shoes with relly good traction! 🙂
Fucking hippies. Actually, at Whole Foods, it was probably hair gel from some yuppie’s faux hawk.
It’s okay if you want to wrap yourself in bubblewrap to protect the wee ones after everything you have gone through. Then it won’t hurt if you fall.
Thanks for the hilarious post after a rather shitty week.
xoxo, Ms. Planner
We will never get tired of tales of your mother. She’s quite something.
Bea
Watson, it is 2007 – you can shop online and have your groceries delivered. To your kitchen! Stop grocery shopping.
I am glad the three of you are ok!
I”m glad everyone is safe!!
From one ungraceful chick to another – I feel your pain sista!
Sorry about the fall. I still think you should sue Whole Foods, though. Baby need a new pair of shoes, or something like that.
I’ve been hideous since I got pregnant too. Bloated, pimply, and if one more person that doesn’t know I’m pregnant comments that I look tired, I may have to start wearing a paper bag. Still, it’s so worth it.
I’m with Serenity, you need a warning sign at the top of these kinds of posts so that my drink doesn’t literaly come out of my nose!
Hilarious post. And i’m sure you look just lovely, even if you don’t feel like it!
Yup, you’re definitely still pregnant. Complete with hysterical reaction too.
By the way, I wouldn’t do it any differently.
You know, my sister swore those zits would disappear as soon as I got pregnant…
And they did, for about 2 weeks. By 6 weeks in, I looked like a freaking teenager!
UGH!
On the bright side, my nausea only went until about 18 weeks…Here’s hoping you share that experience too.
Hey Watson, so sorry about the fall that scared you – I can imagine. I’m sure the You Know Whos barely noticed though, like the dr said. I have been wanting to email you about the PGD issues (if you remember my comment a few posts ago), but have been quite busy following the directions of your injection videos and dealing with stims. Getting there… Thanks again, I’ll let you know how it goes. Thanks for the update – rooting for you and happy for you.
Hi,
Have I said lately how absolutely hilarious you are? You have such a great sense of humor. I look forward to reading your blog because it ALWAYS makes me laugh. ALWAYS!
I am sorry to hear about the fall and glad the doc said the two little passengers are ok. And please know that I completely NOT laughing at the fact that you fell- just the way you put it in writing.
Happy Mother to Be Day!!!!
Drooling is a pregnancy symptom. I had forgotten all about it, but I would wake up with a pillow puddle during mt brief pregnancy.
Oh, and I have seen a lady freak out in my Whole Foods. It happens.
sh*t man, you should have gotten free groceries out of your splits incident at WF. damn. glad you’re ok.
sh*t man, you should have gotten free groceries out of your splits incident at WF. damn. glad you’re ok.
I did that too at the end with LaLa! You should have seen me bawl!
Who said being pregnant was glamorous? Never heard of a stunning pregnant woman, never even seen one! Stop reading all those magazines, they lie!
🙂
XXX
hope you have a great weekend with your sister. clearly you don’t have the non-nurturing gene.
eek! sorry about the fall. that must have been scary. i took a spill the other day myself and had to remind myself that my GP told me that i could practically throw myself off of a building and not have anything bad happen. . . other than my untimely death of course, but i suppose that is secondary.
also, i would rub my face in crisco if it meant that i could poop. maybe that will be the next offer i make to my body as a bribe!
Ohhh no! I am so sorry about the fall–I am just glad you are OK (even though your pride might have gotten a bruise) Sorry about that!
Damn all those celeb moms who make looking preggers easy and glam–but I have no doubt that your GLOW is very much there!
OMG, my heart sank when I heard fall…thank GAWD you and the you know whos are ok. (I like that name as a band..I really do)
I am sure you are GLOWING, but I am sorry about the hair and zit etc. I just started stims and I’m already breaking out…Jeepers Cats!!!
we’ll talk soon and you can tell me all about your trip to LA. 🙂
I’m glad you’re ok!
Hey Watson,
I remember you mentioning you were taking natural progesterone or something. Would you give me more info about it?
I’d really appreciate it!
“(after slipping, I think, on some butter or salad dressing or something)”
Play your cards right, Watson, and that could be the most lucrative sentence you ever typed…