Sweet Jesus if I could have preserved all the tears I cried yesterday in a bucket and somehow desalinated them, I could single-handedly solve our state’s water crisis.
For years to come.
Today is my first day back at work. And I.AM.MISERABLE.
I know…waaahhh-fuckin’-waaaahhhh. I DID get a full four months off, what with three and-a-half weeks of bed rest followed by a generous three-month maternity leave. So I shouldn’t complain.
But of course I am going to.
I have to work. I am still the main breadwinner (bacon-bringing-homer?) and I make more than we’re paying our nanny, so I absolutely have to work. Full time. Unless, of course, we want to sell our house and move in with my parents but then I risk the babies being exposed to various healing crystals, life pods and being asked repeatedly if they remember their past lives. And that would all be in the FIRST DAY.
So off to work I went, after crying for literally the entire day and half the night yesterday. "Allergies," I sniffed when I walked in red-eyed this morning.
I know this is a dilemma so many of us face. So many Moms work full time and somehow, make it work. I only hope I can be one of them.
Is it bad that I have stared longingly at photos of Jackson and Parker most of the day or checked our Flickr site about a billion times? IS IT?!?
On one season of…of that show? You know the one? The reality show about the contestants that race around the…OH YEAH The Amazing Race! (See: baby brain in action.) So on one season of The Amazing Race, two of the contestants were Moms, and they kicked ass in a challenge where you had to put some crap together (and I KNOW, what a detailed and thrilling story so far, Watson, why we’re just pleased as punch we checked out your blog today!) but anyway, they put these things together in record time and the host asked, incredulous, "How did you do that?"
They responded: "We’re Moms. WE CAN DO ANYTHING!"
And I loved these middle-aged women, with their Mom jeans and tennis shoes and t-shirts with hokey sayings printed across the front and I thought, I want to be a Mom. I want to be able to do anything.
I want to be able to come to work without crying and feeling like I cut a giant, gaping hole in my chest each morning and left my heart at home.
Without ingesting large quantities of gin on my way to the office each morning, will I be able to cope with this change?
Stay tuned.
Oh Chica. So sad. I remember those Moms from TAR – they were awesome! You, too, can do anything. You’re never going to LIKE leaving Parker and Jax each day (well, maybe on the cranky days it will be ok) but you will definitely find a way for it to seem normal. Plus when I was there I could tell that they’re REALLY gonna like bacon, so the more you bring on home, the better!!!
xoxo
I sobbed and sobbed when I was getting close to going back to work. It sucks plain and simple. Any chance you can work from a home office? ( I have no idea what you do, so if you are a nurse, then it probably wouldn’t be a good idea…ya know, germs and all). I ended up twisting my life around and around again and was able to work from home and it is the only thing that saved me from a nervous breakdown.
I keep asking BigP, “Why is it that we can’t just live on love?” And he tells me the bank doesn’t take love as mortgage payments. I find that horrible.
I hope something works out…
work sucks! boo on work!
I’ve heard that the first couple of weeks are the worst part. And then it gets easier.
Course, not sure how much that actually helps you right now. BUT. Paying bills? It’s a good thing.
*HUG*
Hang in there.
Oh Honey..what you are going thru is normal. I cried and cried my first day and I couldn’t wait to get home. Sad to say, it does get easier. Hang in there.
Ugh, Watson, that just sucks!! 🙁
I’m sorry.
First of all: You’re back at work ALREADY? I swear you just had those babies yesterday.
Second: Totally normal. The night before I went back to work, I cried and cried. And I cried again the next morning. And then I got mad when I got home and BG didn’t react with joy and cartwheels (because, duh, she was 12 weeks old and as far as she was concerned I just popped out of the room for a second). It does get easier to leave, little by little. Give yourself time. And meanwhile, enjoy the chance to eat lunch without any babies hanging on you!
ugh. it’s going to be a few rough weeks. blech.
though every mom i know was miserable the fisrt few weeks-most sobbed in their work bathroom-but every single one ended up feeling happy and good about their decision to go back to work.
i wonder if it won’t help you beat the baby blues a bit.
plus, you’ll be more efficient and hopefull work a bit less.
i am the major breadwinner too, or at least a big part of our bacon… and it does feel like a lot sometimes.
i hope you feel a little less guilty soon.
xoxo
FWIW-k’s mom and mine both went to work after 6 weeks0he want to an ivy league college on a scholarship and i did pretty well too.
hahahha i said he want to ivy league college. him smart.
Ok, I guess I’m the bad mom. I didn’t have a super hard transition going back. But, I was home a little longer than you. I went back to work about 5.5 months after the kids were born, and I really enjoyed my time away. I love my kids to the moon and back, but at that age, they were getting HARD. Awake a lot, naps were crap, and I was EXHAUSTED from chasing them all day. And I started to feel just lost. I did cry all day the sunday before I went back to work. But I tried to look at it like it’s a good thing. First of all needing to pay the bills. But it gave me time to run errands without a double stroller and a window of 1 hour before all hell broke loose. It allowed me to eat lunch. To surf the web. To just give myself a little time.
Give yourself a break. The first few weeks are going to be tough. But you’ll get used to it. And let me tell you, it’s the best feeling when I walk into daycare and they see me and their faces light up and they crawl to me at lightening speed. So you will love when they go crazy when Mommy comes home!
Hang in there!
I hope that despite the tears you had a wonderful day! Today will be better.
Right there with ya, Watson. I, too got a full 4 months off, and day after tomorrow is my first day back at work. I’ve been leaving her at daycare for small incriments (boy do I wish I could afford a nanny), and all I can do is wonder how on earth all the working mothers out there do it. Part of me wants to be one of them, but part of me doesn’t. It will be a process for a while, I’m sure. I wish you the best of luck with your return. You can do it. It isn’t a bad decision–just a hard one.
Hey, long time reader, first time (I think) commenter. Yesterday was my first day back, too, so i just wanted to give you a big cyber hug and some empathy. I didn’t do too badly, but I’m acting like a grandmother when I see my baby girl in the mornings and evenings — way too intense.
I’ve got to say, even though I miss her like crazy, it kind of feels nice to be the old me again for a few hours a day.
Yeah, lots of tears going back to work for me too. It didn’t help that we all got sick that first week. But now, a couple months later, I’m kind of enjoying going to work because it lets me use parts of my brain that had been sort of dormant for a while (and I get to talk to grownups!).
Best of luck with this transition, it can be tough and guilt-inducing. I’m thinking that you will prevail, though!
Hang in there, Watson. You already are a superhero – you’re the momma of twins!
Sending you lots of love as you continue the transition.
xoxoxo
Wishing you a smoother transition — ah, f*ck that, wishing you HIT THE LOTTERY hehehe!
I’m in the same boat. And you know what? I’m going to start strategizing on an EXIT strategy. This real estate market makes it IMPOSSIBLE to downsize, but hey whenever the hell we can manage it, we’re downsizing so that I can (at least) cut back on hours. In the meantime, I negotiated with my employer to take every other Monday off (after initially proposing every first Thursday and Friday of the month off). Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t make it easier to leave the babe but it does give me more time with him (which is precious). To do this, I pitched this work schedule in lieu of a raise AND as a way to use most (if not all) of my vacation — when my vacation is gone, then those days that I’m off are unpaid.
Sorry for the long email. Hope, perhaps, this gets you thinking about some variation to your work schedule, if it’s at all possible. I know other women who can work part-time — well, not me. So this “one day off every other week” was the best I could do — and it sure beats a kick in arse.
Wishing you well!
I have nothing new to add, I just wanted to reiterate that whole, time-will-heal-this-wound thing. Obviously you’re never going to love being away from the babies (well, teething time perhaps), but it will get better. If it doesn’t, blame the blogosphere, as it told you quite confidently that it would.
Good luck during the interim period though. I know it’s rough.
oh wow, I am going back in 2 weeks and you’re not making it any easier for me sweetie pie….:(
I know it hurts, and I know that soon enough you’ll adjust to being back to work and the kids will adjust too, but just once I’d like our society to be able to give us a year off and let us really be with our kids,right? I’d go back to work when they were one and I was less hormonal and life had a freakin schedule about it. Alas, life stinks….and going back is a necessity…
I’m thinking about you and promise to email a lot when I am back in the office, we can keep each other company.
HUGS, you’re amazing and doing a great job!