My sister recently informed me that in addition to the recent doom-and-gloom faxes my Mom has been sending her, she has also been calling her with extra helpings of advice.
My Mom issued the directive that my sister needs to remove all of the ‘toxic’ cleaning supplies from her house. Years ago, at some crazy conference, my Mom ran across a gentleman who had invented a new soap. The recipe for this soap came to the inventor in a dream. And he thought it was a sign from God, to go forth into the world and make this non-toxic, green liquid soap.
My Mom insists on using this soap for EVERYTHING. Laundry, dishes, furniture, even brushing her teeth! She loooooves this soap. So now she’s pressuring my sister to throw out her cleaning supplies and use this green liquid on everything. And to dispose of the hazardous poison that is Tilex.
So although as many of you so kindly suggested, I am probably still in line to receive the super scary BABY FILE when (thinking positive!) I get pregnant, at least I know what to expect.
And I know to hide the cleaning products when my Mom is coming over.
***
The other night I was suffering the lovely side effects of Metformin. You know, writhing on the bed, whimpering in pain, wishing I had my own Costco-sized box of Oops I Crapped My Pants:
"What do you say to a game of tennis? Come on Grandma, with you on our side the boys don’t stand a chance!"
"Okay, I’ll get my racket."
[Grammy starts to get out of her chair, looks askance as if effects of Metformin have just hit her. She should NOT have had that bran flake pizza with extra cheese and a double vente latte for lunch. BAD GRAMMY.]
"On second thought, I better sit this one out."
Anyway, so the other night I am looking askance and whining for BeBop to get my Tums, which are downstairs.
He so helpfully brings the bottle upstairs, and puts it on the dresser, approximately four feet from my writhing, in-severe-gastric-distress self.
"Why the FRICK did you put that over THERE?" I screeched.
"Oh. I thought you might be taking them into the bathroom," he so helpfully replied.
"I am going to eat them NOT SHOVE THEM UP MY ASS!" I so helpfully replied.
***
And finally, answer me this people, is this sick?
I want to go as pregnant Britney Spears for Halloween.
You know, the vision of beauty from her Matt Lauer interview: complete with crazy bleached blond wig, camisole stretched over huge pregnant belly and ginormous boobs (I will need help with this part, too), short denim mini skirt with flip flops. Plus chewing gum, mascara running down my cheeks and the omnipresent red Kabbalah string on my wrist.
Is it sick for an infertile to go as a pregnant woman for Halloween?
It probably is.
Laughed out loud at the costume idea, especially the runny mascara- really, what was she thinking?
Sick but FUNNY! You HAVE to do it AND post photos or I will come back EVERY day and post comments in CAPITAL LETTERS!
Oh My God – you are one seriously funny lady.
Just when I was feeling sorry for myself (again), thinking I’m never going to have a baby (again) – I find your blog and you cheer me up.
Actually, your post “This Could Not Be More Random” made me cry. Cry because I was laughing so hard and then chest-heave cry because my wacked out hormones can not handle the fact that I was actually happpy!
I want to leave a comment on every post but because that would be very “stalker like” of me I’ll just leave one more thing…I see you’ve discovered the joys of Metformin.
It took me 3 months to get over the “eat a meal, pop a pill, nearly shit my pants 20 minutes later” phase. Now I just have my messed up hormones to deal with…and the PCOS…and the infertility…and the crackhead mother in law.
Anyways, how was that for a novel on someone else’s blog?
You’re funny and I’ll be back for more!
I have to say it is pretty creative–you need to share pictures if you decide to do it!!
That is too funny. Although, how scruffy is Bebop? I don’t know if this is the costume for you though…you’d slip up and say something halfway clever and ruin the whole thing. Or forget you’re in character and let on that you are literate…then they would def. know that you’re not Britney.
Sorry about the met…that stuff sounds miserable. And that you identify with Grandma is more proof that we live in a cruel, cruel world. Hope it gets better….
Perhaps for the total effect, you can dress Bosco up as the first kid and drive around with him on your lap. . .
I have yet to have a problem with the Met. I will see what happens when I add my second pill.
And pictures for sure of your costume!
I think only an infertile woman has truly earned the right to make fun of pregnant Britney.
I actually joked that I could dress as her if I was pregnant by now (well, there goes that idea!) Only I was going to wear the cowboy boots and shirt-as-dress combo she wore in a photo that graced many tabloid covers.
I too want pictures posted if you do it!
Pregnant women can be pretty scary for an infertile, so I think it’s the perfect choice.
Bea
BAHAHAHAHAHA! You SLAY me, Watson.
You MUST go as pregnant Britney, and you MUST post pictures afterward. (And if you won’t post them, I’ll ask Bosco to. I know he’s just ITCHING to get back at you for the raincoat photo spread a few posts ago!)
Sorry the Metformin sucks so badly. Eesh! Maybe your Mom can suggest a holistic cure for the side effects? Like, is there a “poop chakra”? Maybe if you tape a picture of a healer to your abdomen? Just slinging it out there…
laughing my arse off at the Britney clip! I love the Halloween costume idea. Do tell — did ya do it? 🙂
OMG, the pregnant Britney is TOO much!! Please be sure to post plenty of pics.
As for the Met: I hear your cry, girl, i hear your cry. Gas, poop and indigestion….
oh you HAVE to do that, did you do it already, PLEASE, PLEASE post the pictures.
My dr said I don’t need Met and I actually HUGGED her before leaving, just the Met stories scare me. Hang in there, hope you are feeling better soon.