Oy.
I think I am the largest pregnant woman who ever lived.
I feel like at any moment a camera crew from the Discovery Channel will knock at the door, asking to feature me in a story about The Largest Pregnant Woman Who Ever Lived.
Which will air between Medical Freaks Of Nature and Surgical Tools That Got Left Behind.
Today = 35 weeks and 4 days.
I went to get the car seats installed, and the only way they fit in the car was one behind the driver and one behind the passenger. Which isn’t a terrible thing, except that the seats have to be pushed up really far and 1) now I can barely fit behind the wheel; 2) God knows what BeBop will do when he’s driving and 3) anyone wishing to sit in the back to watch the babies will have to cram themselves into the middle seat.
And I have a small BMW SUV, not a frickin’ Pinto, so I was somewhat shocked at the logistics of the whole thing. But at least they were installed by a trained, certified car seat installer expert type person, courtesy of our local California Highway Patrol officers.
And…can I just say…CHP officers are HOTT. Good Lord. I walked waddled in and practically fell over, the first officer was like a cuter version of Taye Diggs in a sexy little uniform. Then a guy strolled in, after disembarking from his motorcycle (thus the tight little pants) looking like a Polo model. And the guy who installed my seats (and no, sadly, I don’t mean that in a euphemistic, ‘he installed my seats cha cha cha’ kinda way) was tan with blond hair like a Baywatch refugee.
I was all, like, tee hee, do you guys have an Officer of the Month Calendar or anything?
Okay, I didn’t really ask that.
The officer didn’t even flinch when he saw the blue stuffed teddy bear buckled into one of the seats, like that was the most normal thing ever.
And why, pray tell, would I have a stuffed animal shoved into one of the car seats?
Because our baby care class instructor told us to, that’s why.
And, according to BeBop, I have an ‘unnatural and very disturbing level of respect for authority figures,’ like our teacher, so when she suggested we practice with a toy I did as told.
I know. I’m insane.
There was a slight meltdown Chez Watson the other day…we were finishing the babies’ room (and I swear I’ll post some pix soon) and I suddenly freaked out. Like FREAKED OUT freaked out. I was looking at all these little things, these little square pieces of cloth with little animal heads attached to one corner thinking, what in God’s name is THIS?
I thought my sister had told me they were for the stroller to comfort the kids or something, but I swear I had no idea what to do with them. And so I started crying
"What’s wrong?" BeBop asked.
"HOW am I going to be a good mother when I don’t know anything about ANYTHING?" I sobbed.
"You’ll be great," he said. "Really. You’ll be a great mom, honey, there’s nothing you can’t figure out…"
"JUST BECAUSE I FIGURED OUT HOW TO SET UP THE TIVO DOESN’T MEAN I’LL BE A GOOD MOM!!" I yelled back.
I was just having a moment.
But thankfully, this week is Multiples Week on TLC so I’m spending hours upon hours watching A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby, so at least I got that goin’ for me.
Wow, you are soooo close, I can’t believe it! Good luck watching TLC, maybe you’ll get some fun info out of that (and not too much scary stuff – turn it off if there’s anything scary).
This is the crazy part! You are so close you start to freak out about it … I remember. We had the same car situation, we got one behind the driver and one behind the passenger. And many times i’ve climbed into sit in the tiny space in the middle to comfort a screamer during a long ride. Hang in there … the end is in sight! You are going to be a great mama!
Wow, you’re still hanging in — that great.
Those blankie things with the heads can be a lifesaver! We call it a “lovey” and my son still sleeps with his and loves it. I used it when I was nursing him to cuddle him, and then when he was 8-10mos it became his “transitional object”. Thats the thing they use instead of you for comfort. The are very worthwhile. Just try to have maybe 2, cause then if you forget or lose “blue lovey” maybe you can find “pink lovey”.
Good LUCK!
35 WEEKS OMG!!! You are doing so fantastically (so ungrammatical, but you know what I mean)!
I can’t think past the hot cops, so I hope you’ll forgive me for not commenting on the animal head blanket crisis (I would be of no help anyway, having abso-frickin-lutely no idea what on earth one would do with such a thing).
You’re so close now!
DO NOT, this late in the game, go without blogging so long.
i thought for sure you had had them!
+++
wow! CHiP’s are hot, huh? i bet they would know a lot more about telling me how to install car seats than GA officers, no? And since we’re adopting, there’s no reason i can’t throw on some slutty outfit and drive out there?
i can’t believe you are this close. insanity. i bet you are stressed. anyone would be, but you know what? you’ll be a great mom. you will all survive. i know you aren’t just going to take that as truth from a virtual friend, but i know it’s true.
take care and we are all thinking of you.
I think this is the quickest pregnancy–okay I know you don’t feel that way! Hang in there…I know everything is a little overwhelming right now.
Glad you had the car seat installed…by really cute CHP officers!!
Apparently the fire fighters will also install the car seats, too. And we all know the hotness that exists there… And I, too, can’t focus on anything but the CHP officers at this point. Thanks for the visual.
Hysterical as always. You’re gonna be great.
You sound like you’re doing great, breakdown and hugeness notwithstanding! 🙂
I totally hear you about the carseats. We have a LINCOLN (not a boat, shut up, it’s one of those MKZ’s) and a CHEVY AVALANCHE and they BARELY FIT. Heaven knows it’s a good thing I got rid of the second Mustang, which WAS my primary car, because DUDE…there is just NO WAY.
And my hubby? He’s flipping 6 foot 5 and basically now can NOT drive my car.
Well, by “now” I mean when we actually stick the seats into the car and truck, which will be as late as possible, probably in the hospital parkinglot when baby#2 is born. hahaha
Don’t worry about being a good mom. You’ll be fine. Really. Baby stuff, some of it, is crazy weird.
Holy crap, you are really getting close! Are we gonna get a picture of The Largest Pregnant Woman Who Ever Lived? I mean some people might not have cable and won’t get to catch your Discovery special. I don’t necessarily need to see the toenails, though.
I caught two twin Bringing Home Baby episodes, but didn’t know it was Multiples Week. I tivo’d the last two BHB’s. Thanks!
Here’s to hot cops, although if Ms. P is right, I may opt for some firefighters…
We wound up buying a Big Honking SUV (Lincoln Navigator) because two infant seats literally would not fit into my Jeep Cherokee, and even that was not exactly roomy. It’s a little better now that they’re in convertible car seats, but I know my husband looks forward to the day when we can turn them front-facing and get his leg room back.
Re World’s Largest Pregnant Woman, I have a photo taken of me in my 35th week, where I’m lying on my side on the couch, and my belly is literally hanging off the edge. I was an awe-inspiring sight, and not in a good way.
The square things are loveys, ostensibly for the babies to snuggle with in the crib or whatever. If you ask my girls, however, you’ll find out that they are really Satan’s Stuffed Animals, and must be flung violently as soon as possible.
My hubby is one of those hot cops.Yay me. Did you know that cops actually get groupies?? Yep they are called ‘holster sniffers’ and a few other not so nice things.
I can’t believe you are almost ready to pop. It seems like you just released your injection video-wow! By the way..you will be a good mom, the reason they come to you as babies is so you can take your time learning 🙂