My Dear Watson

Two quick things:

No! 

THREE, three quick things. 

And I’m working on the latest installment of Meet The Crazy Healer Guy/I Will Get You For This, Mom which I will post soon.  With photographic evidence, thanks to Reality, who is just sick enough to ask for photos of my bruises. God love her!

#1:  BeBop was freaking finally offered a permanent position at Super Dream Company!  They made him the offer last week and now he’s just waiting for the official paperwork. Said paperwork comes with…drum roll please…insurance with some IF coverage!  Amazing, really.

#2:  I went shopping for my IVF outfit.  Am I the only person who has done this?  Can’t be.  I used my upcoming procedures as an excuse to go here and buy a kicky pants/jacket matching ensemble and some cute t-shirts. Some t-shirts with inspiring messages scrawled across the front (like ‘breathe’) because Lord knows I will need all the help I can get when it comes to the retrieval and transfer.

#3:  I am proud to announce the winner of the Name That Category Contest.  But before I do, let me say AGAIN you people are frackin HI-larious!  Your suggestions had me cracking up, and it’s hard to bring levity to the subject of IVF but you all managed to do it, so thank you. It was a difficult decision, but the winner is…

the lovely and talented SERENITY! 

Her entry:  Leggo My Embryo just had me cracking up. It’s clever and kitschy and I’m totally stealing it, unless of course she’s decided that holy crap, it IS clever and kitschy and she wants it back. 

Serenity, as the grand prize winner, you have your choice of the following:

*  The half-used box of OPKs I promised.  (And by this I don’t mean half-peed- on, I mean I have 3-4 unused OPKs left over, just to be clear.  Since even between us bloggers, sharing bodily fluids is a little weird.) Although since I cannot imagine you needing these, I am generous enough to offer you two alternatives. 

[I know!  Sit down, my friend, or you may get dizzy from excitement.]

*   The super secret upside down Martini glass thingey I wrote about here. It is a small, laminated card with this crazy symbol on it (courtesy of my MOTHER, of course!) that is supposed to increase your fertility.  Please note it has not worked for me, obvi, but maybe it will do the trick for you!

*  A surprise gift of my choice (choose this one.  Definitely this one).

Now, winning this contest comes with a challenge, which is that if you decide to claim your prize, it means I will be sending you said prize, provided you feel comfortable sharing your mailing address with me. 

Granted, this is risky.  (But often high risk brings with it big reward, my young Padawan.)  I will know where you live or work (unless, of course, you determine this might be a good time to get yourself a P.O. box which is not a bad idea) but I promise you that I will not  1) share your address with anyone, especially my creepy neighbor who I suspect is just looking for someone to stalk; 2) sell it to some mail order company who will deluge you with Land’s End catalogs for the next seventeen years; or 3) show up unannounced at your home or place of business screaming "cyclesistah I AM HERE…let us embrace!"

(Although I would do this last one if invited and if you had wine.)

Okaaayyyy, moving on…either comment or e-mail me directly with your decision, I know it’s a toughie. 

And to everyone else, again, thank you thank you thank you — you people ROCK.

A:  Refuse to pay her.

BOOOOO.

That’s bad even for ME and I have frighteningly low standards. In case you haven’t noticed…

But seriously, how DO you make all of these hormones required for the IVF cycle??  My GAWD people, the drawing up of fluid and the powders and the vials and the syringes, OH MY.

I just about fell off my chair when I read through all of my instructions from Dr. Z.  Is this puzzling and overwhelming for everyone just starting her first cycle, or is it me?

If it’s me, you can tell me…

I am hoping that from the outset it all looks very scary and confusing and quite painful, but once you’re in full swing it all falls into place and starts making sense.

Is this what happens?  IS IT?!?!?  [shouted in quaky voice with veins bulging in neck.] [Not a pretty sight, I might add.]

I feel like crap today and I’ve only taken one birth control pill. ONE. I have taken one little teeny tiny baby step in this process and I already feel like my body can’t take it.

PA-THETIC.

I was whining and flailing around in the kitchen today at work, all flustered and pale and suffering from a migraine.  Always the drama queen, it was obvious to anyone within a five-mile radius I was ill.

But you know those people who just cannot let you be ill?  They just have to share in your misery and steal your thunder?  God I hate those people.

The annoying super nerd guy in my office  came into the kitchen, took one look at me and said, "Oh are you sick?? I feel terrible too. I think I have the SAME thing!"

"Really?" I snorted in response.  "So you recently grew a faulty uterus and a bunch of marginal-at-best eggs??  And even though you want more than ANYTHING to be pregnant you started the birth control pill last night?? Because if the answer to that is NO, then I highly doubt you have the same affliction I do!"

That shut him up.

So I am taking to my bed chamber…flouncy nightie and marabou-trimmed slippers and all, to wait out this headache.  And hope that this isn’t the start of a very, very long few weeks.

And coming soon…the winner of the Name This IVF Cycle Category Contest. 

You people crack me up. Thank you for bringing some levity to this whole thing.  What would I do without you?

Or:

Kotex:  I Wish I Could Quit You

And I know, one minute I’m complaining that my period isn’t here, the next I’m complaining that it is.

What can I say?  I’m fickle.  I am a total pain in the ass. Keep up people!

Today is most assuredly CD1.  Last Sunday – false alarm!  My bad.

I am sure because not too long ago I got that not so fresh feeling DOWN THERE and sprinted down the hall to the ladies room.  As I commandeered the wrapping and the stickers and the wings, I thought:  This bites.  And then?  Think positively!  Maybe this will be your last period for a LONG time!

For those of you who asked, yes, I do take the natural progesterone tablets to stave off my period and try to have a luteal phase of close to 14 days.  But usually after about 12 or 13 days, my AF stares deep into the eyes of those all-natural, hippy-dippy, Patchouli-wearing progesterone tabs and says:

Bitches, PLEASE!

I am AF and I come when I’m good and ready so back that ass up and get out of my way.

And the Battle of Plimbo ends shortly thereafter.  My period wins every time.

This whole progesterone deal stirred up a lot of interest, mostly because per usual I did a half-assed job of explaining what in the flingin’ flangin’ hell I was talking about in my last post.

I snorted Diet Pepsi out my nose when I read Faith’s comment:

When you say "cramming progesterone tabs down my gullet" I hope you mean you’re cramming them up your cookie. I actually know a women that swallowed them b/c no one told her where they belonged…

SERIOUSLY?!?

I shouldn’t laugh because that WOULD be something I would do, but thankfully that little pearl is not about me.  My acupuncturist recommends an all-natural form of progesterone, which comes in tiny little pills.  As soon as you ovulate, you take three of the pills three times a day.  You bite them in half (which is no easy task because they’re teeny tiny), let them sit under your tongue for a few minutes and then swallow them.

And even though they’re all natural, they actually do work.  Before I started taking them, my luteal phase was only 10 days long.  Now, I start spotting around 11 or 12DPO, but I can usually stay in Plimbo long enough to have a real, Big Girl luteal phase of 13 or 14 days. 

And speaking of the lovely Faith, head on over there to wish her luck — her transfer is tomorrow. Go Faith!

Her account of the PIO shots made me literally quake with fear, and I know in a few short weeks I’ll be screaming for my hippy alternative progesterone tabs and wishing I could just make do with them.

Is it wrong that I totally do not trust BeBop to administer my shots?  Because I. Do. Not. Trust. Him.

Even now, he grins with this evil little smile and makes stabbing motions towards me while laughing this hyena (or is it a jackal?)-type laugh when we talk about the injections.  It does not instill a lot of confidence in me.

I mean, we do share a sick sense of humor.  Last weekend Saturday Night Live had a sketch about a wife slowly poisoning her husband with Dioxin.  (They were in therapy, discussing it.)  At one point the husband remarked how his wife put ‘Dioxin’ on the shopping list, which was fairly passive aggressive, he told the therapist. (Since she was trying to KILL him and all…) And you sort of had to see the skit but the POINT IS

On Sunday I put a shopping list on the fridge for BeBop consisting of the following items:

1. Paper Towels

2. Eggs

3.  Dioxin

4.  Milk

Now I think it’s safe to say I have a sick sense of humor if I am putting a toxic poison on our shopping list,  just like the wife did in that sketch.

But my sense of humor fails me completely when it comes to him gleefully anticipating what it will be like to stab me in the ass with an inch and-a-half long needle filled with PIO!

But here we go anyway, despite my crazy anxiety and overall sense of freakoutedness.

I am IN CYCLE. TAA DAA.

And here’s where you come in, I need your help.

As I mentioned, I want to change the name of this category (IVF#1) to something a little more upbeat and positive.  I thought of IVF#1:  My One And Only but that makes me think of a sappy Marisa Tomei/Robert Downy, Jr. movie from the late 1980s and after that I’m fresh out of good ideas.

IVF#1:  Fo’ Shizzle

IVF#1:  Something To Pass The Time Until Britney Gets Pregnant Again

IVF#1:  Can Jack Bauer Be Called In To Help With This Mission?

IVF#1:  Tortuously Slow Countdown To The Infamous Baby File Of Doom

IVF#1:  Or As I Like To Call It, Hall Pass Excusing Me From Sex

See?!  OUT OF GOOD IDEAS.

So please send your suggestions.  The winner will receive a prize. A good one too!  In addition to the honor of knowing each time I write any worthless drivel over the next couple of months said drivel will bear your creative mark, I will also send the winner a leftover box of OPKs.  I think there are still 4-5 left in there and we all know in the IF business, a few free pee sticks is nothing to sneeze at.  Something more to pee on (YAY!  WE HEART THE STICK-PEEING!!)  but nothing to sneeze at.

So I have managed to screw up my very first IVF cycle before it has even begun.

And don’t you DARE steal my idea for the next new hot Christmas toy: 

My Very First IVF Cycle Dollie. 

She will be a slightly full figured gal (What?  It’s the PCOS) with hair growing out of her nipples that you can trim and then IT GROWS RIGHT BACK and legs that bend slightly back and OUT to fit perfectly onto the medical table with freezing cold metal stirrups that she comes with.  And a thin drape that cannot be tied closed.  And a speculum that comes in plastic or a heavy metal composite which is the super fancy one, the one you beg for on your birthday. And some pretend needles and vials and a super chic medical waste container and GOOD GRIEF, am I really the first person to have such a brainstorm?  Inconceivable!  OH!  Maybe that’s what her nickname will be!

I have had too much caffeine today. Where was I?

Oh yeah.  The fuckery that has already started…

My friends, I am plimbo again. You know, period limbo.  As in, even though I have been cramming progesterone tabs down my gullet like a crazy woman, I thought for sure AF was arriving yesterday.  So like a compliant IVF cycler (cyclist?  cyclee??) I called and set up my whole schedule for the next two months. I was supposed to start my BCPs tonight,  but my period still hasn’t really started, if catch my flow.  Which? If you do, please send it back this way because I don’t know what the hell is going on around here.

WHERE IS MY PERIOD?

WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS? ARE YOU THERE GOD, IT’S ME MARGARET.

I have a whole set up going now, with appointments in March for the estradiol and then later the prolactin and that other insidious battery of tests that made me keel over.  I have, like, a whole deal that is based on a CD1 being today and it’s just not working out. 

I even have BeBop’s appointment set up so he can deposit his Emergency Seed Popsicle.

"In case you have stage fright," I e-mailed him.

"Not likely," he huffed back and even though it’s hard to pick up huffiness over e-mail I totally know he was huffy about my insinuation that when the big moment arrives he’ll freeze up.

Now all of these appointments rest on the assumption that my period actually starts before the end of the day, or we’ll have to go back and rearrange everything.

Which is not the end of the world, it’s just disconcerting that I could be screwing things up before I even get started…bodes well? I think not.

I am also working on a post about the alleged body worker my Mother sent me to yesterday.  I literally have huge, thumb-sized bruises all over my body. I look like a friggin’ Dalmatian.

And that’s my Monday. 

How are you?

And PS, I think I am going to change the name of this category from IVF #1:  I’m Just Not That Into You because I feel like it sets a somewhat negative tone.  I wouldn’t want to piss off Cycle #1  and have it fail me, just to be a bitch. 

I think I will rename it:  IVF #1: It’s Hammer Time. 

Why this?  you ask.  Because I felt the lyric I need $50 to make you holler from Tone Loc’s ‘Wild Thing’ made that an inappropriate choice.  DUH.

But first…

What We Learned From My Last Post:

1. My ovaries read this blog!  They must, because as soon as I wrote how the little ingrates were not cooperating, they went and gave me a + on the OPK.  Go figure. Looks like they stopped slutting it up long enough to help me ovulate right around CD16, so I was a little too harsh. 

I should have passed them a note in gym class saying:

Wats Up? Will you release a viable egg this month, check Yes or No.  And?  Do you like Mikey Plano because he’s super HOTT and wants to go with you. If you like him back, check Yes or No.  Kay Bye.

I have tried this tactic before, in previous appeals to my lady parts, but they usually don’t listen.  I may have to start texting them on a more regular basis once my IVF cycle starts.

2.  For some bizarre reason, I paint a picture of my girlie bits as being youthful and full of vim and vigor. Which is pretty funny if you think about it! (Go on!  Do it!  Think about it. Funny?  See, told ya.)  I mean, ruhlly, I should be painting a picture of my ovaries as the Golden Girlie Parts.  You know, sitting around Shady Pines, drooling in their oatmeal and waiting for the ungrateful bastards known as grandkids to stop by or at least send a card and a fruit basket once a year. I guess in some sick way portraying my ovaries as reckless teens makes me feel better, but it’s probably something I should bring up with my therapist, who would be thrilled to have something other than my Mother to talk about.

3.  I watch and think about and use quotes from waaaayyyyy too many movies.  GAWD.  If I could pull my head out of my ass (and my Tivo) long enough to pay attention, I would know a lot more about what the hell is going on with my upcoming cycle.  (But thank you for saying it was okay that I don’t have much of a clue, I totally appreciate it.) 

And?  Can I just say again you guys RULE!  You totally get me, even in all my nuttiness.  When SaraS-P wrote:

You are like a kid who spent 4 years working hard in school, then just never graduated and found yourself in special school with stricter requirements, higher tuition, and ambiguous graduation dates. That sounds like no fun at all.

I was all, YES, that’s exactly what it feels like! I started thinking about how I am sort of riding the Infertility Short Bus wearing the head gear and everything. Biting my nails down to the cuticles, paranoid there will be a pop quiz in Science class later that day.  And nervous that I forgot my lunch and the cafeteria will be serving tater tots and they give me terrible gas in PE class. But at least I have you all watching my back, and that makes it all bearable.

Okay, now on to the…DUHN DUHN DUHN…possible issue with this cycle.  And by ‘issue’ I mean ‘another delay that will quite possibly make me jam my head in the toaster oven at work.’ 

Here’s the deal:  Remember when I complained bitterly whined incessantly told you about BeBop’s job situation?  No? You mean you don’t remember each and EVERY word I scrawl on this blog? GEESH.  Just kidding.  You can get caught up on all the drama over here and here and quite possibly here.

But the upshot (in case you don’t want to go back and read all of that, and why would you? Isn’t Ugly Betty on tonight?) is that BeBop took the two-month position last summer, and although it ended in October they’ve kept him on, saying how much they love him and…drum roll please…he’s JUST about to become a full-time, permanent employee at the Dream Job (fingers crossed!).  And the Dream Job has a benefits package that…wait for it….includes some coverage for infertility treatments. 

Soooooo….I am hoping and wishing and praying that by the time our treatment actually starts, he’s on the company’s plan, which would help us tremendously.  We talked briefly last night about waiting another month or two to make sure he’s on the plan, but quite honestly I just can’t do it.

NO CAN DO. ME NO LIKEY.

The coverage is good, but not great.  We’d still have to pay out of pocket for most of it, so it’s not an all or nothing deal. If his new insurance covered everything, honestly I would wait and start drinking heavily and only leave the house to go to work sporadically and watch bad TV all day to pass the time. 

Which is not that different from what I do currently, but if I end up choosing to delay IVF and wait another month or two I will pursue these hobbies with a great deal more bitterness and anger at the universe.  (And quite possibly handfuls of tater tots because now that I’m an adult, who cares about bad gas??)

And that little scenario wouldn’t be good for anyone.  What with all the yelling and crying and carrying on and cursing.  And let’s not forget the shoving of the taters (and maybe even some pigs in a blanket for good measure) down my craw and the beer swilling.

No. This would NOT be good for anyone in the Watson-BeBop household.

Especially him:

Oh Dear Lord in Heaven, please do not make her wait another month to start her IVF cycle.

I simply cannot endure the vulgar language and the junk food eating.  Or the flatulence. It’s just a pathetic display and I cannot be subjected to such drama.

So once again, my ovaries are being bratty and rebellious and even now, on our Hail Mary, just-about-to-start-BCPs last month, they are letting me down.

Sigh.

They really should have been held back a grade in school.  They’re obviously not mature enough to keep up with their peers.  I was expecting to ovulate around CD16, and in the last few years, that’s been as good as it gets. 

But every once in a while (and this month is one of those whiles) they decide to sneak out late at night to drink cheap beer in front of 7-Eleven.  They hang out with their loser friends and compare MySpace pages (OMG! I have like 14,000 friends! And most of them have screen names like BigBear1965 and LatinLova4u and Chadrulez) and talk about how Haylie Duff is like totally riding Hilary’s coattails (like totally!) and they lose sight of the fact that they are not doing their jobs.

Here it is today CD16, and the OPK has yet to turn positive. 

The only upside is that this really is the last month we’ll be going through this.  This temperature-taking, stick-peeing, sex-demanding drill. 

So at least I got that going for me, right?

In other news:

If they gave grades for IVF preparedness, I would be flunking out, big time. Like if they had Academic Probation at IVF U, I would be on it.

I started to write about this last week, and then changed my mind.  It’s hard for me to clearly communicate my feelings around this subject, and also? I was way too busy cracking myself up thinking of Napoleon Dynamite quotes ("Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!"  I mean COME ON.  That is some A material there!).

Anyhoosers, I did have a point somewhere in there.  Oh yeah!  I am not being a diligent, well-prepared IVF patient.

Case in point:

Did I realize I only had to take one pack of BCPs?  No.  We’ve already established that sad fact.

Do I know my most recent antral follicle count?  Mmmmmm…somewhere between 3 and 47 frillion, I’m pretty sure.

What was my estradiol? Oh! I know this one!  An ELEVEN…on the DIAL…get it?

I thought (hoped) Medrol was a gift certificate for happy hour at the local Middle Eastern restaurant.

PGD?  I do know what that is, I know it’s FRICKING expensive, but have we talked about whether or not we’re doing it?  Errrrr….no.

ICSI?  Whatsi?

I had an absolutely delightful conversation with the fabulous and super nice Faith yesterday.  We live close to one another and are seeing the same doctor.

It was wonderful to talk to her about her upcoming cycle, and she was so supportive it makes me grateful to have met her, at least on-line and over the phone.

She is a model patient.  She has done her research and knows a crapload about all things IVF-related.  She is prepared and her own best advocate, which is ideal when undergoing any major medical treatment.

I am like the stoned surfer who sits in the back of chemistry class having acid flashbacks waiting for lunch so I can light up a joint under the bleachers.

I’m tired, people.  And I know that now, just as we’re starting our first cycle, is not the time to be lax.

But I’m exhausted.  After four years of this I’m just burned out.  And I know those of you who are IVF vets want to crawl through the DSL fiber optic whatevers and smack me, followed by a resounding, "you ain’t seen nothin’ yet sucka."

I got all of my test results back and so far, so good.  But do I know the details, the numbers or any of the specifics? Ummmmmm [squirms uncomfortably and looks down] no. I’m just kind of skating along until I get my cycle on the calendar and then I’ll pay attention to the protocol and for sure be on top of the whole shot thing and pill thing.

But I just can’t seem to do any more research about numbers or protocols or statistics.  I am a lazy ass, I guess is what I’m trying to say. I believe in being prepared and being your own advocate, and I’ve been doing this since we started trying.

So why now, of all times, is my normally over-achievery personality failing me?

Maybe because this has been a whole lot of hurry-up-and-wait, as I was hoping to start cycling in November, but then Dr. Z wanted me to try the Metformin for three months first?  Maybe because it all seems so overwhelming and last-chancy that I’m in denial?

Oy.

I feel like I have Senior year spring fever, only I’m really just an inexperienced Freshman.

But meet me under the bleachers at lunch and we’ll talk more about it and compare our MySpace pages…like totally!