PPD, how can I explain it
I’ll take you frame by frame it
To have y’all jumpin’ shall we singin’ it
P is for Post, P is for Partum
The last D…well…that’s not that simple
It’s sorta like another way to say you’re all bummed out
It’s nine little letters that are missin’ here
And it fills you with dread and doubt
Bust it
Okay, so I did threaten promise to write more often, but alas…I just don’t got it in me.
I want to write about what the babies are up to, since this will undoubtedly be the best diary of their early months and years and my memory is shot to hell. But every time I think about posting, something comes up.
Something like this damn anxiety I have had since the babies were born.
People? I think I have post partum depression and I’m here to tell ya, it’s no fun.
I’ve heard that PPD often presents itself as anxiety, and with me that appears to be true. I don’t feel all stay-under-the-covers blue. Which I have felt in the past (after a terrible post-grad school breakup with Mr. Cruel and a humiliating move home to my parents’ house), and this isn’t that. But almost every day, I feel this sense of dread come over me like a black cloud, even when I’ve had a good day. I have lots of help, and most days things are really good, but STILL in the late afternoons this weird anxiety comes over me.
I don’t have any physical symptoms (like having panic attacks) but out of nowhere, just feel rotten. Blech. Blah. And I worry about any upcoming change. I freaked out daily in the weeks before BeBop went back to work after being home for six weeks. I worried about the baby nurse taking a week off while my sister was here and then worried about my sister leaving. I worried about my mother-in-law leaving after helping for two weeks and now I worry about the nanny starting and going back to work and Lord knows what else. Sometimes I worry about nothing, just feel worried…ANXIOUS.
And I’m tired of it.
So I’m starting Lexapro and we’ll see what happens.
Of course, being ME, I’ve already tried a veritable ASSLOAD of natural remedies, including but not limited to: St. John’s Wort, homeopathics, chamomile tea (which? WTF? Why did I listen to THAT suggestion??), Bach Flower Remedies, some weird concoction that comes in a dropper – of course offered by my Mother – and another herb which is supposed to relax you but instead made my skin itch and God knows what else.
If you have any GOOD stories about taking medicine for PPD, please share.
If you have any horror stories, please DON’T.
Good GAWD, the evil internet is chock full o’ stories warning me that Lexapro is the Devil’s Doing, and that if I ever decide to stop taking it I will endure all nine circles of hell and wish I was detoxing from heroin.
I stuck my head in the sand (= resisted the magnetic siren song of Mistress Google) throughout my IVF cycle and my pregnancy and all that worked out pretty well for me, so I’m planning on repeating that now.
But really, if you have some positive words to share, I’m all ears…
And in the meantime, here are the little lights of my life, PPD or not:
Good Lord Watson, they are adorable. They sure are growing fast!
I don’t know about the medicine…but considering the fertility drugs, I can’t imagine it would be that bad. I’m guessing that most of the people complaining have never been through a fraction of what you have been through.
You are a trooper.
Of course, everyone is different and reacts different to meds, so some people may have a hard time getting off it and others won’t experience anything. If it helps you now, and your doctor says you should, why not go for it?
Too bad you already have tried chamomile tea because I do try fennel tea as a remedy for pretty much anything and would have suggested that. Pineapple I heard helps…oh no wait…that was something else…pineapple was to help implantation of embryos….stupid me :-S.
I’m sorry you are feeling anxious, but honestly I do understand. You life just changed dramatically, you have twins now, it is just normal to feel anxious at times I think. The more you will feel that you accomplish, i.e. it works out fine with you going back to work, etc. the less anxious you will feel. I don’t have any other suggestions for help or remedies…..
Hope the dark cloud blows away soon.
Your babies are adorable by the way.
So sorry you’re struggling, Watson. I have no PPD specific input, but my Hubby has been on Lexapro for a few years now, and it’s worked really well for him. It took a couple of weeks of pure exhaustion (sleeping pretty much all the time he wasn’t working or eating) for his body to adjust, but once he did, he was fine. He’s noticed that he does best if he takes it before bed, as it does make him a bit drowsy.
The only ‘horror’ story I have is to not go off it cold-turkey. When the time comes to stop the med, work with your Doc on a step-down plan.
Best of luck to you, and I sincerely hope it helps.
The babies are beautiful. I don’t know about PPD, I didn’t have it, as far as I know. But I did have HUGE moments of crazy anxiety. I would cry every sunday night knowing that my DH was going back to work tomororw, and I would be home alone. And like you said, once the day arrived, I was fine with them. The three of us had good times! But sometimes I would just cry. I was beyond overwhelmed by how much my life had changed, and that lasted a while.
So maybe I did have a mild form of PPD, but I never did anything for it, and it just kinda resolved itself.
I think it’s really good that you are taking something to help with your mood. My mantra for the first 5 months was “Whatever gets us through the day … whatever gets us through the day!”
Hang in there.
Anxiety – I didn’t know that was a presentation. The dread sounds so familiar from IVF cycles…
Good luck with your remedies – prescription and otherwise. Stay away from google – google sucks.
Bea
Delurking to share my experience with Lexapro.
When I first started taking it my dr. told me to take it once a day. I chose to take it in the morning. For a solid two weeks I was so nauseous until mid afternoon that I was basically nonfunctional. I called my doc and she said take it before bed. So I did. Within 4 or 5 days the nausea was gone. The only other side effect I had was the loss of 18 lbs. that promptly came back when I stopped taking the Lexapro, I gained exactly 18 lbs. within 2 wks. Very weird.
When I began weaning off the Lexapro I was nervous as I had heard all the “you’ll never break free of this evil stuff” stories. For me it was fine. I began to take half a tablet for a week. Then I would take half a tablet every other day. Then half a tablet every 3 days. Then every 4 days and after a week of that I just stopped.
I worried when I first began taking Lexapro that I’d be stripped of any emotion at all, essentially become non feeling. Did not happen. I was still able to feel happiness, sadness, excitement and I could still cry. I just stopped feeling out of sorts, horrendously sad and convinced that nothing was ever going to be good again in my life.
I hope you do well on the Lexapro.
The babies are adorable 🙂
Did not have PPD with an anxiety flavor, but a coworker did (she also had twin boys) and she swore by Paxil.
I took a small dose of Lexapro a few years back and it got me past crying jags that came out of nowhere and got me through a situtation I’d been dreading. Feel free to email me if you want more detail, but I was grateful for it and tapered off the dose without incident.
Your kids look fabulous. Nice job.
Did not have PPD with an anxiety flavor, but a coworker did (she also had twin boys) and she swore by Paxil.
I took a small dose of Lexapro a few years back and it got me past crying jags that came out of nowhere and got me through a situtation I’d been dreading. Feel free to email me if you want more detail, but I was grateful for it and tapered off the dose without incident.
Your kids look fabulous. Nice job.
A few years ago i took Celexa for PPD and found it to be very helpful. It was also easy to go off by tapering down. About six months later I started back on Wellbutrin (didn’t want to use Celexa because i was tying to get pregnant) and find it helps, but not as much as Celexa. In the world of ADs i think Celexa and Lexapro are somewhat similar…
I’d say go for it. If the meds don’t help the way you want them to you can change them. It’s not worth being miserable so much of the time … especially when you have those super cute babies to take care of!
Wishing you the best of luck and many anxious free days.
They’re filling out so nicely!! Oooh, everyone loves a little chub (or a lot!) on a baby! So adorable!
Sorry about the PPD. Worry is no fun. And if you’re anything like me, you do enough of it as it is, let alone with a hormone-induced upper.
Hope the lexapro helps. No advice here, just hope it helps!
I have no personal experience with PPD or Lexapro either… but I can tell you that my SIL, 6 months into being a mom, just told me that she wished she had taken something early on for the dread she felt all the time. She says that, in retrospect, it’s really easy to see that she had PPD.
Your babies are adorable, and I’m so glad that you’re taking steps to help the clouds go away. I hope it helps you immediately.
Hugs, love. Thinking of you.
Thinking of you (I have no words of wisdom other than to say, from what I understand, getting help is the best thing to do – and it sounds like you are doing that – help, being chemistry, drogas, etc. – which is probably the best remedy). And goodness, woman, those babes are cute!
I know nothing about PPD, but I do know about anxiety. I have taken drugs on and off for years. I am currently taking zoloft and it helps with the anxiety. The key to coming off of them is just tapering yourself off – half the dose for a while, then every other day, then every 3 days etc. It isn’t bad coming off them. Honest.
The babies are adorable!!
OMG, they are just the cutest things ever. I don’t know anything unfortunately about PPD, but my best friend’s sister had it and she said the Brooke Shields book (something about into the light? is the title) really helped her. Hang in there, hopefully something will help you out.
I have no words of advice, but I’m sending you lots and lots of love.
Wow, you sure did make some cute babies. 🙂
me me me! i could have written your post word for word about three and a half years ago when i was a new mom. i had crippling anxiety for four months before i let my doctor convince me to take something for it (I wasn’t sleeping or eating and I was an anxious mess) and I haven’t looked back since. Within 4 days of starting an SSRI (effexor in my case) I had my life back. I could function again. I could enjoy my son. My husband recognized me again. My only regret is I didn’t allow myself to do it sooner. I waited four long months hoping it would correct itself and never did and I’ll never have that time back to enjoy my newborn son again. So I say do what you have to to get through it, twins ain’t easy. And yours are especially CUTE!
I agree with Jen. I had PPD but was so out of sorts that I was afraid to tell the doctor. In some bizarre way I felt like I “wasn’t allowed” to have PPD because after years of infertility, gawd forbid that I say or feel anything but bliss. If one med doesn’t help you within a week or so, tell the doc and try another and keep trying till you find one that is right for you. Your life will come back to you and you will feel ‘normal’ again.
BTW–BEAUTIFUL BABIES 🙂
Dear Watson, I am so sorry to hear about your anxiety. I have no advice to offer on Lexapro, but in whatever form it happens, I hope the clouds part for you soon.
Your babies are utterly adorable.
Your babies are freaking adorable.
I have had PPD with both of my kids, the anxiety is tremendous, and I’m sorry you have to go through it too. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and you WILL get through it with your sanity intact. I promise.
Watson, your children are beautiful!
As for the PPD anxiety. Been there and done that. Paxil helped me tremendously (and I am back on it after my husbands death). Paxil works really well with anxiety (they actually RX for “social anxiety”). If Lexapro is what your MD recommended it probably does something similar. Please remember that you have to take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep (easier said than done, I know). Accept help. As a fellow twin mom who made it through the realllllly hard early days, if I can be of any help feel free to email me. Maplelf71 at gmail.com.
Hang in there.
Kathy
I took Sarafem after the birth of my daughter. It made me feel great. I just felt more calm and at ease. Like you, I wasn’t crawling under the covers depressed, just anxious. I don’t regret it at all.
Your babies are so sweet!
Totally, totally understand about the crippling anxiety. I had something very similar– no depression really, but a ton of dread, worry, etc. It got to the point where I was so tense, I couldn’t swallow food or water. I went on Celexa (very similar to Lexapro, but my insurance was being picky), and it helped right away. I felt very slightly odd for a week or two and then felt MUCH better. I highly recommend it!!
oh…they are so adorable!!! So precious.
Sorry about the ppd..I really have no experience about this, but i hope you start to feel better soon.! Hugs!
I can only say, I took Effexor during the days post miscarriage and also during fertility treatments. If you need something, you need something. It helped me tremendously when I needed it and when I went off of it, I was more than ready. It’s good that you’re recognizing that need and that you’re doing something about it.
I totally had late onset PPD (I don’t think it hit me fully until the Mini was about 4-5 months old) and I still suffer the effects of it. I’ve been trying to get by without something, as I’ve noticed it’s totally related to lack of sleep (on my part, not the Mini’s). I feel way dark and down if I don’t sleep well.
Hang in there. If I told you that I never called my husband up at work and told him to get home RIGHT.THIS.MINUTE, I’d be lying.
Watson, you’re little babies are really really cute. Like crazy cute.
Sorry about the anxiety. I know how that feels, I’ve struggled with the same thing for much of my life. Lexapro did wonders for me – literally, it washed away the anxiety. Plus, I got a couple extra lbs. as a bonus.
I’ll spare you the story of going off of it, but I did write a post about it back in May I think. Side effects aside, it’s worth it because at the end of the day, you need some relief from those butterflies.
Chin up –
Hello,
I have read your blog ever since I found out I was having twins. Mine (2 boys!) are 8 1/2 weeks now. After they were born, and we came home, I started freaking out–worrying, feeling panicked about being alone with them, heck even being with them…I was so anxious about my husband leaving to go back to work (cried as he drove away), even more so when my parents left after 2 months (poor people, I had them held prisoner here). Yesterday was my first day alone with the babies. I was so scared. Today I have a half day with them, but I’m already thinking, omigod–what if they cry AT THE SAME TIME??? Anyway, I read your blog right after you had your babies (congrats to you!), and it was like, wow! I feel that! Hey, I feel that too! And that sounds like me! You don’t even know me, but you validated every feeling I had. So first of all, just know that you are not the only one having these feelings. I think a lot of people have them and then either a) forget or b) get over it and then forget! Second, it’s really hard having two babies to take care of. It’s a totally different way of life. I waited so long to have these babies–so it’s easy to feel like “Gee I should be basking in happiness all day long”. This past weekend, after HOURS of 2 babies crying, I started sobbing and I said to my husband, “I feel so badly for saying this, but…does this SUCK or what? I mean, I don’t really LIKE this…” And you know what? He laughed, hugged me and said, “Yeah! It really does suck right now!” So it’s OK! You do what you need to do to feel better–and don’t let anyone scare you. There are days where I wish I’d find out you lived right around the corner. Just know I’m here in spirit with you! Power to the twin moms!
I cannot attest to PPD, but after losing my boys I took Lex.apro for a while and found that it wasn’t that hard to quit taking when I was ready. I don’t recall feeling a need for it…that being said I started taking it every other day when I thought I was ready to ween and then every two…and eventually stopped…all in a total of about 3 weeks.
As for the babies….they are precious. Love the red outfits…so cute.
i’m obviously a terrible mother, because if you told me that top picture of parker was actually my sweet piper i would 100% believe it, and not just because we have the same treasu(red) onesie. they could be identical.
i don’t know the specific names of any drugs, but i have at least three friends with very positive stories of medicating PPD. i hope it’s helping. good for you for knowing what you need. it is so ridiculously hard.
I was so singing along in the beginning! haha.
I have no assvice for PPD, I’m sorry. hang in there girly, you are doing great.
BTW, your babies should be models! They are gorgeous.
Ugh. That just sucks. Since I live with a type of depression that has a strong anxiety element, I can imagine what you are going through. I tried herbal remedies for years as well as therapy, therapy, and more therapy. Only citalopram works (and therapy, of course.) It felt like a miracle at first because it took the mighty edge off that black cloud that had been following me throughout my life. But it doesn’t mean that I still don’t struggle a bit to keep it at bay.
Honestly, f*ck any of the warnings for the drug. You need to stay sane – and not just for those AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL babies you have. For yourself. I hope that prescription drugs work for me my entire life because the thought of going back to where I had been…terrible! And PPD is horrendous so do whatever it is you need to do to manage it. One thing that can help with mind-altering things like depression is to remind yourself, when you are having those horrible thoughts, that it is chemical and probably not an accurate perception. It will take some time, but eventually it will help to put things into perspective.
I commend you for talking to your doctor and getting on a medication. Seriously, it takes courage. But it is all worth it!!!!
If you ever need to vent or want to chat, please don’t hesitate to email me, ok?
XOXOXO
PPD is very common and can look like plain old depression, or it can resemble severe anxiety or even mania and paranoia. When it hits you, the best thing to see is seek help and TALK about. Please post when you can so you have an outlet for all those intense emotions.
Rooting for you big time!