So last Friday I had the perfect day planned:
"Working from home" entailed a quiet, relaxing breakfast followed by a pedicure* and an hour long foot reflexology appointment.
Sounds blissful, yeah?
Well, the babies had other ideas…apparently they’re already conspiring to make my life miserable, like all good kids, because I was experiencing some odd swelling issues.
I got used to the swelling during the day — remember how I said I was starting to look like the love child of
and
?
I had grown accustomed to the looks of horror on my co-workers’ faces as my feet and hands swelled throughout the day, so much so that by mid-afternoon I would lumber down the hall to the restroom on Frankenstein feet (as the ankles were nonfunctional) and hands the size of baseball gloves.
But at night usually the swelling would go down and by morning I would be much better. Until last week, when the swelling would increase at night! I woke up feeling (and looking) like the Hindenburg.
I should have known once I called my doctor just to run it by the nurse that she would order me up to the office AS SOON AS POSSIBLE (said with much alarm). And once I got there, even though my blood pressure was okay and they didn’t detect any proteins in my urine, they still sent me to labor and delivery at the hospital for a nonstress test.
Once I got there, out of breath from the 10 second walk, I took the wrong elevator up to the 3rd floor and had to ask directions to labor and delivery. A kind nurse pointed me in the right direction and then screeched, "CAN YOU MAKE IT?!"
I was sort of taken aback by the question and was mumbling a, "Yes, I’m fine thank y–" when an orderly yelled "I have a wheelchair, do you want me to take you there?!?"
Now I realize they were just doing their jobs and granted, I certainly LOOK nine months pregnant, but people PLEASE. For the love of Christ, I’m not about to squeeze these kids out at this VERY moment!!
So that testing took about four hours as they had to make sure both babies were on the monitors, and then of course once we were set one would move and they would have to reposition the sensor.
Luckily everything came out okay, but now I have to go every week for follow up NSTs. Which is okay, I guess at this point the more monitoring the better, to be on the safe side. But it’s still stressful, to watch the numbers on the screen and listen to the heartbeats and pray that all is well.
I go in on Monday for another growth scan, Tuesday for the NST and on Wednesday I see my OB, so next week is chock full o’ doctors’ visits. I’m going to have my doctor write a note recommending I work from home on a more frequent basis starting the week of the 22nd, and also recommending I stop working the first of next month. I’m not sure how my boss will take that, as he’s expecting me to be here for much of November, but at this point I know it’s what I have to do in order to get these babies to 36 or 37 weeks, which is my goal.
Wish us luck with that one, will ya?
*My need for a pedicure (which I STILL haven’t gotten!) rivals my need for some heavy deforestation in the nether regions. BeBop even exclaimed how long my toe nails were, going crazy with picturesque references to a sloth and also? A super hero-type creature who could jump ten feet in the air and slice the neck of her enemy using the aforementioned talons as deadly weapons. Nice, huh?
And speaking of personal grooming (or lack thereof) may I continue this nonsense for a moment and talk – again – about the girlie parts? Thanks.
The untrimmed hedges are driving me CRAZY! I know when I brought this up before, many of you recommended I just leave it alone and go with the flow, so to speak, but I simply cannot take it any longer.
The whole AREA is so unattractive.
I think the the proud new Mommy to the Lemonheads tried to warn me about this, but really, what the hell is up with the changes that occur in the hoo ha region?
GAWD.
And not to be all 1960s burn your bra baby and empower yourself with a MIRROR and take a good look DOWN THERE woman, but I did make the mistake of using a mirror to see what’s going on and I swear, it looks like a meat locker where you’d hang long pieces of beef jerky to dry out.
And the hair growth! In unfathomable new folds of skin I never had before! (Is that too graphic? Should I have included a disclaimer here?) I finally ordered one of those lady razor contraptions and when I get it in the mail, I’m gonna fire it up like a motherfreaking weed whacker and GO TO TOWN.
Really.
I’m afraid if I don’t the doctor won’t be able to find the babies and they’ll be stuck down there until it’s time to start preschool or they’ll get caught up in the hair like little monkeys trapped in hanging vines.
And that doesn’t sound like fun at all, does it?
A disclaimer wasn’t necessary, but perhaps a picture is? 😉
Glad to hear that all is ok following the test… what a hooplah.
Cankles and weekly NSTs. Been there, had those. For what it’s worth, the cankles went down after birth. I actually wear my own shoes again and they’re comfortable. Hope the same happens for you… and that your hedge trimming is successful.
You do realise that making me laugh just hurts my sciatica, and for that I hate you right now.
(Don’t let them use peppermint when you have your pedicure, k?)
Do you think the lady trimmer will work on those hedges? I swear by Mr. Wonderful’s beard trimmer that he then uses on his face, and sometimes, I get an odd satisfaction of watching him trim the goatee after I have landscaped. I totally want to tell him where the trimmer has just been, but I keep it to myself!
I am glad the NST showed good news!
I swear you keep me laughing. You must keep the people around you quite entertained:)
I can totally relate to the nether regions dilemma and I can’t even see them anymore without looking in the mirror. I’ve BEGGED J to use his clippers to trim a gal up and he finally said yes today after seeing what I was referring to. It’s really quite ridiculous. I have hair growing in THE weirdest places including random strands growing on my cheeks (face cheeks that is).
I hope the NSTs continue to turn out well.
Oh my god, you kill me. That is one of the funniest (and a little scariest) things I’ve ever read!
Funny, as always, but also funny coz I was just thinking the other day that I need a good waxing 😉
X
I’m also in need of some deforestation and this is hilarious.
This is why my husband became my resident undercarriage shaver. Until he decided to be funny and went a little nuts. Do you know how much it sucks to be all itchy down there when you can barely reach it? God.
Well, at least you haven’t lost your sense of humor yet.
Good luck with the hedgetrimming. (I can see the post now – “The Day Where Sasquatch Beat the SH*T Out of My New Lady Epilady.”)
OH MY GOSH those last few paragraphs!! Beef jerky…preschool…oy!
Good luck with that. 🙂
really, the NSTs are stressful for you? lying in triage for monitoring is (no joke) the most relaxing part of my work week. no wonder i have blood pressure issues. def bring a book next week though, makes a big difference when you’re not counting the minutes!
I believe this is what Frankly Pregnant referred to as cheeseburger crotch!!!
HAH! How am I supposed to comment all smart and stuff about the NSTs when you got me laughing so hard about that nethers that I’m snorting snot?! 😉
Weed wack it, I say. You will feel a lot better.
As for the cankles . . . some are lucky and the swelling goes away immediately after birth. I’m my case, though, it lasted another 2 weeks. (So brace yourself. Just in case.) The most important thing is that your blood pressure & urine proteins are good.
Hang in there! 🙂
Never ever take a mirror and look..Good gawd what the hell do men find so attractive down there??
Damn, that sucks. Funny how the books don’t tell you that kind of stuff!
I seriously can’t stop laughing…
and smiling because the two littles ones are healthy….
XOXOXO
I also noticed the …. um…. growth in my lady bits while pregnant. They have gone back to a much more normal size now, fwiw.