Or,
You’ll Want To Stage A Britney-Style Intervention After Reading This Mess Of A Post
Or,
A Year Ago Did I Think I’d Be Blogging About Binkies?? HELLS NO.
So before I bore you to absolute tears with stories of how sucky it is to be back at work, and how I cried for three days straight, let me tell you that I have decided to write a book entitled Momming By Mistake.
It will be all about how you (and by "You" I mean "Me") learn how to be a Mom by making mistakes.
So far this is what I have written (and if you know any editors for sure forward this along because I’m, like, totally sure there will be a huge bidding war for the manuscript):
Chapter 1
Whenever you leave the house with two babies in tow, TAKE THE MOTHER EFFING DIAPER BAG YOU RETARD.
The End.
Yesterday we went to an event held by the Fabulous Dr Z (and by God, FAITH, if you all attended and didn’t tell me I will cry (yet another) river of tears!) held at a local convention center. It was for all of his patients and I guess they hold this event each year, inviting hundreds of parents (with their hundreds of kids) who have, with Dr. Z’s help, successfully conceived.
There were so many twins there it was a bit of a freak show and of course I mean that in the nicest way.
When we finally got to say hello to him, I thought he would say something along the lines of, "Embryo 3 and Embryo 8, how LOVELY to see you again! My how you’ve grown!" but no such luck.
And anyhoo, I was so frantic to get out the door, we were halfway there before I realized, HOLY SHIT I brought my purse but no diaper bag! What I am, a new Mom?
Oh. Yeah. I am a new Mom. I have NO earthly idea what I’m doing the vast majority of the time.
But I still felt like a jerk and my thought process went something like this: No diaper bag. DAMN. It would’ve totally matched with this kicky pink sweater I’m wearing. Hmmmmm. No diapers. Oh well, we won’t be staying long. No burp clothes. Oh well, they’ll have napkins there. No….OH SWEET JESUS NO BINKIES. WE ARE SO TOTALLY SCREWED.
(Cue quaking hands and flop sweat.)
BUT!
Then I remembered I had shoved an emergency bag in the back seat, just in case. Just in case what? You ask. Just in case we get trapped in the snow, actually. Oh! Does it snow there? You ask. Well, No. It doesn’t. But my post partum depression is clouding my brain and I can’t think straight and at some point in the last few weeks, it sounded like a good idea to pack an emergency bag with diapers, some blankets, packets of powered formula, a couple of cloth diapers and a package of two break-open-in-case-of-emergency pacifiers.
So, thankfully, we had the binkies with us just in case and even more thankfully we didn’t have to use them. The babies slept most of the time, although Jax did wake up and take one quick look around the crowded, loud room filled with hundreds of people not to mention clowns, magicians and several people making unidentifiable balloon sculptures and almost lost his shit.
I think it was, either I start crying bloody murder because where the fuck are we or, on second thought, let’s just shut the peepers and pretend it’s all a bad dream.
Jackson and Parker were thrilled with their souvenir onesies that said, My Parents Spent $30,000 To Have Me And All I Got Was This Fricking Balloon Animal.
Just kidding.
Moving on…
The babies did wake up in time for their photo opp with Dr. Z and I swear, when we stood there next to him, after he gave us all a big hug, I wanted to weep with joy. And I know, it’s the PPD talking, but Good Lord I love that man. I do.
I would run away with him and have babies with him if I wasn’t 1) already fairly happily married; 2) totally done being pregnant forever and forever. But the point IS I love him that much and can you imagine the SWEET discount I’d get on any future rounds of IVF?!?
But that’s all beside the point. What is the point? I can’t honestly remember at this point. GAWD. Could I say ‘point’ any more??! POINT POINT POINT.
I would write about transitioning back to work, and how I’m not handling it well at all, but now I actually have to get some WORK done so I can’t.
Damn Work. DAMN YOU TO HELL.
Oh GAWD Watson have I missed you!!!!
I heart you, you know that?
Thanks for making a pregnant lady wet her pants this afternoon.
xxx
I would so buy any book you wrote on mothering or IF-ing or whatever. Too funny. And Dr. Z should totally make those onesies.
Oh, right. Support. Comments, I mean, wow – leaving the diaper bag at home. Rookie mistake. BUT.
Having extra stuff in the car? Absofuckinglutely BRILLIANT.
(Have I mentioned I got an extra diaper bag for “just in case” too? And I’m only having ONE baby.)
Dude, you didn’t make a mistake. That is exactly what the emergency bag is for. You are not a fool, you are BRILLIANT.
I forgot to bring a bottle to Bat Girl’s baptism. Baptism service beginning at 2 pm + previous bottle at 11:30 am + ten other babies being baptized that day = ten-week-old Bat Girl LOSING HER SHIT. My husband walked up and down the side aisle with her and performed some Jedi mind trick to keep her relatively calm. But she still yelled louder than any other kid there, and we couldn’t leave! Or else she would go to hell! Man, did I feel terrible.
Yay!! So happy to have you back. You’re effin hilarious!
Hey, there may not be snow, but there’s PLENTY of reason for an emergency diaper bag! 🙂
You are genius. You had the emergency diaper bag implemented and ready to go. You deserve a prize.
so glad you posted! and so glad you had a backup diaper bag! Smart girl!
yeah, the emergency diaper bag is genius. welcome back!
See – you are a great new mother. You put that emergency bag in the car. You are not giving yourself enough credit, my friend!!!
I can entirely relate to your talent for breaking into tears these days. Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression. 🙂 Seriously, I hope this incredibly emotional stage passes. The fact that I am generally an emotional person (though not this bad, of course) suggests it may pass – sometime in my next life.
Thanks for the great post. I am glad that you made it to that event. It sounded wonderful!!
XOXO
Hot damn – you have a backup back in the car. Stud. 😉
Hot damn – you have a backup bag in the car?! Stud. 😉
As always, a completely amusing post. You have a way with words! I’m sorry it’s been a rough adjustment back to work and I hope things start settling down for you soon! Way to go on the backup diaper bag. You rock!
All parents make mistakes. It is indeed how they learn.
Seriously, is there a onesie that says that? They should have a few for sale in every RE office.
Glad you had a backup diaper bag! One of my rookie mom moments was going to her first pediatrician appointment and realizing I had no diapers in the diaper bag. Oops! Thankfully, they are prepared for impromptu diaper requests.
Wow…that sounds like one crazy party. And forgetfulness…it is amazing how you forget so many things once you have children.
Oh sweet Jesus, I have been there too sweetie, but thank gawd they didn’t wake up and lose it..calming 2 of them is a full days work…WINK 🙂
Great post – you are so funny.
So I went from forgetting the diaper bag, to forgetting the sippy cup and now forgetting a change of clothes because we are potty training…not to mention forgetting the lunchbox for preschool. It never ends!
But us moms are great and we improvise. Think quick on our feet! Finding the emergency bag is the best. Now rememebering to restock it…well thats another issue!
Your babies are darling!