So it’s approximately 3:22 AM and let’s all hope I hit the ‘draft’ button instead of the ‘publish’ button or we’ll all be in trouble…these posts are barely coherent when I’m awake. Imagine the drivel when I’m half-asleep? The mind boggles!
I have insomnia and what I think is acid reflux. Or heartburn. Are they the same?
The first time I ever had what I thought was heartburn was a few months ago, right after the transfer when each of my 27 follicles was the size of a softball and after each meal, even a tiny, little itty-bitty meal, I would feel an extraordinary pain in my chest. The first time I experienced this sensation, I ran, clutching my chest, to the phone to call my sister.
(The girl knows heartburn, she can devour a giant bean and cheese burrito in about .000045 seconds flat and if you ever read this sister dear…I mean that in a GOOD way.)
Anyway, I staggered waddled to the phone, dialed her number and when she answered I yelled, "DYING! Pain! Think I am having fatal heart attack!"
"Who is this?" she asked, totally nonplussed about me and my impending death.
"It’s ME you idiot! And I am dying! I think I have heartburn," I choked. "Is it like your heart is on FIRE??" I demanded.
"Ummmm, yeah," she answered. "Thus the name."
"But seriously, it’s like my whole chest cavity is on fire. I’ve never experienced such AGONY." (I do have a flair for the dramatic, you could say.)
"Just don’t lie down, and take some Tums and you’ll be fine." Obviously used to my over-acting she didn’t fly into a panic and summon 911 to my house which I thought she would. But anyway, since that experience I know what heartburn is, and tonight I don’t feel as death-is-imminenty, so I’m self-diagnosing this as acid reflux. But they’re probably the same thing, no?
Anyhoosies, we put an offer on a second house. The first bid we wrote on a house was not accepted, which is fine because the house needed a lot of work so I tried to be all unattached and Zen about the whole process. But ‘Zen’ to me is crying incessantly about how, oh, I’m ONLY PREGNANT WITH TWINS no big deal and I’m sure we can move into the local Y and do they take dogs and WAAAAAAAAAA so perhaps I was not as unattached as I would like to think.
This house is nice, in a great neighborhood with two bedrooms and a bonus room that could be a great office/guest room. Unless you happen to have, like, a frillion dollars laying around, buying a home in the Bay Area is a fairly stressful endeavor. And that’s all I can say without my head exploding. But my point is, and YES every once in a while I actually have one is that it’s all about the compromise…only two small bedrooms but maybe two bathrooms instead of one, only one bathroom but a nice yard, virtually no closet space, but an alcove that could be used as an office, that kind of thing.
The house has a small back yard, with a sort of weird side yard area the current owners are using as a dog run. (Which? Is a totally mean not to mention deceptive term because it’s so small those damn dogs aren’t running anywhere, so it’s more of a lounging about space, but that’s besides the point and where was I?) Oh yeah! So BeBop and I were reading in bed the other night and he turned to me and said, "You know, if we get that house I’d love to turn that dog run area into a nice Zen garden, with maybe a large box with sand and some plantings and rocks and stuff."
"Well, dearest, that sounds like a creative and amazing idea," I responded.
Actually? That’s not what I said AT ALL. I guess pregnancy hormones are making me even crazier than normal because what I really said was the following:
"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?? That is the WORST idea ever! GAWD. Do you expect me to want a giant box of sand out in the yard? DO YOU? Like I’m going to go out there and scratch around and take a crap in it like a freaking FERAL CAT or something??? You’re crazy!" I shouted, not realizing the irony of that last part because I was truly beside myself, thinking of him installing a gigantic litter box in the yard. That we don’t even own yet. His eyes popped open so wide I thought his eyeballs might come shooting out of his head, and his jaw dropped to the floor. He looked at me like I had just turned into a Medusa-like creature and really, he wasn’t far off.
Buy anyway, we should find out tomorrow which is really later today and GODDAMN I need some sleep.
When we went to sign the documents the other night, I had changed out of my work clothes into a new sporty work-out pants and matching zip-up pullover ensemble. I thought it was quite fetching, kicky even!
When BeBop walked in the door and saw me, he started hysterically laughing. At me.
"Oh…my GOD," he gasped through his laughter. "What are you wearing?? Nice TRACK SUITE honey," he choked out.
"Ruuuuuuude!" I said, taken aback by how amusing he found my outfit. (It can be somewhat disconcerting to have someone look at you and be laughing so hard they can barely remain upright.) "I finally bought some new work out clothes…" I offered. (Which is a joke unto itself because my ‘workouts’ consist of me heaving myself up off the couch while watching Big Brother 8 when I need to pee.)
He was practically doubled over at this point, "Well," he laughed, "I just didn’t think you’d get all Pauly Walnuts on me" he gasped, which he thought was the funniest thing anyone had ever said. Since the Dawn of Time.
Since I can hear them delivering the morning paper, I better get my ass back to bed and try to get some sleep. And in my next post I must thank you all for your nickname suggestions. You all are HI-larious! And quite clever too. So give yourselves a little pat on the back from me to you.
Sadly, BeBop was right. This is exactly what I looked like. Black warm up suit with white stripes and all. God. Pathetic.
Good grief woman. You have me in hysterics- I am going to pop a freaking ovary. And then YOU’LL be responsible for the downfall of what has been actually an ok cycle so far. How do you feel about that??? 🙂
(ok I’m TOTALLY KIDDING – let’s not overreact here.)
Anyway. I have heard that Tums are a good thing. And making sure that you don’t eat a lot of acidy things like tomatoes and oranges, etc. I can’t remember, but one of the OTC reflux preventers is ok to take when pregnant. Not sure which one though.
Poor Bebop!
TUMS is thy savior – take ’em, love ’em, cherish ’em!!
Wow – buying a house in the Bay Area. I know second hand what that’s like and live through my girlfriend and brother-in-law. It’s nutso over there! Good luck with them apples, and get some sleep!
I’m sure you looked FAB, Darling. Don’t let him get to you!
If this is what you’re like at 3am? Please post more when half-asleep. You are too funny! (Though you are funny anyways.)
hahahaha! i can’t wait to send this to my husband who thinks he is the only man alive being tortured by a crazy pregnant woman!
Wonderful news about the house! I’m also in the Bay Area- I totally understand. BTW, I am new to your blog. Faith told me about how you and her both went to Dr Z…he is my IVF RE as well. Congratulations on the twins! Thats fantastic news 🙂
We love Watson.
(God, the heartburn was the WORST symptom of pregnancy for me. Even just the memory…)
Good luck with the house. Funny story about your reaction to the Zen garden idea. I told another PG friend of mine that after we had our daughter I apologized to DH for everything I said or did when I was pregnant. And I’m sure you looked gorgeous in your new clothes!
Good luck with buying the house. I remember I thought I might go insane waiting for the seller of our house to respond to our bid, so I only imagine it must be 10 times worse in the bay area!
Pauly Walnuts? Watson, you’re killing me!
Tums are a gooooood thing….=) Best of luck with the house purchase!
Good luck with everything. Don’t let BeBop get you down about your tracksuit… if you wanna look like that… you go right ahead!
What does BeBop know anyway? I am SURE you looked absolutely marvelous in your track suit.
Good luck with the house purchase.
My friend swore by barley water for her heartburn in her pregnancy. She boiled pearl barley and then drank the water. She said it did wonders.
Hahahaha…..I love your blog. I am currently in the IF stage right now, but it’s good to know that that can and will end eventually. Thanks for the laughs! Good luck with house, heartburn and congrats on your kiddos!
I sure do hope you ‘skunked’ your facial hair to match your Puly Walnuts track suit.
At almost 37 weeks I haven’t found anything that gets rid of the heartburn altogether. I think the only thing that’s going to give me relief is pushing this kid out.
There are only two places that are just as bad or worse than buying a house in the Boston area – the Bay area and Manhattan. I feel your pain since we bought our home two years ago before the market dropped! Best of luck on getting that house!!!!
I probably would have thrown something at Mr. LIW’s head had he suggested a zen garden. Luckily, he went for a veggie garden instead and I have to admit that, for a city girl, it brings me lots of joy. Not when the dog chooses to pee on the tomato plants but you can’t have everything, right? 🙂
Keeping you in my thoughts…
You are absolutely, 100%, completely hilarious!!! I laughed so hard out loud throughout this entire post and my husband was looking at me like I was losing it. You HAVE to write a book! You just HAVE to!!! Thanks for the laughs!!!
PS- I’m not sure if I’ve ever invited you to read my blog, but if you’re interested (since it’s password protected) email me at knox1908 AT hotmail DOT com and I’ll send you an invite.
We have a lot more in common now that I’m pg with triplets!!!
My sympathies with the heartburn. I don’t even use a spoon to dose up my Mylanta these days…I just slug it out of the bottle. Oh yum.
I actually ended up taking prilosec and when that stopped working, I took a class b rx from my ob. I can’t remember what the hell the name was…..
Protonix. That’s it. Shit, I used to work for the damn company too. This is what parenthood does to your brain. Just a forewarning, if you think it’s bad now.
you’re still the cutest pregnant lady I know…”track suit” or not.
Feel better and good luck with the house sweetie 🙂
*hugs*