So I have managed to screw up my very first IVF cycle before it has even begun.
And don’t you DARE steal my idea for the next new hot Christmas toy:
My Very First IVF Cycle Dollie.
She will be a slightly full figured gal (What? It’s the PCOS) with hair growing out of her nipples that you can trim and then IT GROWS RIGHT BACK and legs that bend slightly back and OUT to fit perfectly onto the medical table with freezing cold metal stirrups that she comes with. And a thin drape that cannot be tied closed. And a speculum that comes in plastic or a heavy metal composite which is the super fancy one, the one you beg for on your birthday. And some pretend needles and vials and a super chic medical waste container and GOOD GRIEF, am I really the first person to have such a brainstorm? Inconceivable! OH! Maybe that’s what her nickname will be!
I have had too much caffeine today. Where was I?
Oh yeah. The fuckery that has already started…
My friends, I am plimbo again. You know, period limbo. As in, even though I have been cramming progesterone tabs down my gullet like a crazy woman, I thought for sure AF was arriving yesterday. So like a compliant IVF cycler (cyclist? cyclee??) I called and set up my whole schedule for the next two months. I was supposed to start my BCPs tonight, but my period still hasn’t really started, if catch my flow. Which? If you do, please send it back this way because I don’t know what the hell is going on around here.
WHERE IS MY PERIOD?
WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS? ARE YOU THERE GOD, IT’S ME MARGARET.
I have a whole set up going now, with appointments in March for the estradiol and then later the prolactin and that other insidious battery of tests that made me keel over. I have, like, a whole deal that is based on a CD1 being today and it’s just not working out.
I even have BeBop’s appointment set up so he can deposit his Emergency Seed Popsicle.
"In case you have stage fright," I e-mailed him.
"Not likely," he huffed back and even though it’s hard to pick up huffiness over e-mail I totally know he was huffy about my insinuation that when the big moment arrives he’ll freeze up.
Now all of these appointments rest on the assumption that my period actually starts before the end of the day, or we’ll have to go back and rearrange everything.
Which is not the end of the world, it’s just disconcerting that I could be screwing things up before I even get started…bodes well? I think not.
I am also working on a post about the alleged body worker my Mother sent me to yesterday. I literally have huge, thumb-sized bruises all over my body. I look like a friggin’ Dalmatian.
And that’s my Monday.
How are you?
And PS, I think I am going to change the name of this category from IVF #1: I’m Just Not That Into You because I feel like it sets a somewhat negative tone. I wouldn’t want to piss off Cycle #1 and have it fail me, just to be a bitch.
I think I will rename it: IVF #1: It’s Hammer Time.
Why this? you ask. Because I felt the lyric I need $50 to make you holler from Tone Loc’s ‘Wild Thing’ made that an inappropriate choice. DUH.
Guys don’t freeze up in the jizz room. That’s just something we tell you ladies so that you’ll think its hard for us and that we really need you for such things. Not true. How could it be? It’s like paradise – a room filled with porn that we’re SUPPOSED to look at, and then we are SUPPOSED to do exactly that which porn motivates us to do. Without any sheepishness or guilt. I’d go in there every f’ing day if I could.
Did I say too much? I think I did. I think I said too much.
Here’s something I haven’t said to a woman in a couple years: I hope you get your period real soon!
Ooh, how about
“Hit Me With Your Best SHOT”
or maybe
“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?”
or in honor of your missing period…
“Somewhere Out There”
It’s coming, girl, hang in there!
You are my #1 favorite blogger in the whole blogosphere and I read you religiously! Good luck with that scheduling thing – I can relate!
I LOVED Are you there God, it’s me Margaret. I read it over and over again when I was a kid. I actually had to tape the damn thing up when the pages started falling out. Thanks for the blast from the past!
God Watson. You make me laugh. I hope you are out of plimbo soon my friend.
And I think you owe us pictues of the dalmation spots. You can’t really expect us to believe another story about your mother sending you to some magical healer without proof, right? At least one of the bruises, pretty please?
Hey Margaret hee hee. Sorry that witch is throwing you a curve ball, isn’t that just typical – when you want her here she does the opposite. Just more proof of what a complete bi-atch she is. (Like we needed it anyway?!)
Smarshy – I KNEW IT!!! 🙂
You can have my period- I’ll be done soon & she’s all yours!
Can I please have the first dolly? Can I? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh?……
You slay me. You can only use It’s Hammer Time if your IVF is also wearing parachute pants. Which she just may be. Lovely.
Yeah. Love it when AF decides to fuck with you – precisely when you actually WANT her to come. Bitch.
Love the new motto. And the dolly idea. 🙂
“hair growing out of her nipples that you can trim and then IT GROWS RIGHT BACK”
AWESOME-so they did make a Chia Infertile after all!
I’m not sure if I missed something, but won’t the progesterone tabs DELAY your period? You know, like suppositories and PIO is supposed to lengthen the luteal phase and whatnot?
But OF COURSE she doesn’t show up on time, she enjoys screwing with us.
Maybe if you get BeBop to hit you with a bloody dog skin switch (a little early Lupercalia festivities, if you will), he could motivate the bitch to move her lazy ass.
I learned thru my experience that IVF is all about timing and scheduling. It sucks and it is very frustrating. Hang in there..I hope that she makes an apperance soon!
I wish I had periods to give you. I love to share. I also think you are onto something with the doll….it would be a huge hit!!! Give Mattel or Hasbro a call and see if they jump on it..if not, there is always HSN.
ps..sex always makes me start my period..just a thought.
when you say “cramming progesterone tabs down my gullet” I hope you mean your cramming them up your cookie. I actually know a women that swallowed them b/c no one told her where they belonged. Why are you on progesterone right now? I think I’m missing something. I blame any and all I say on hormones…. I have that right, seeing as how I’m in the middle of my IVF cycle 🙂
Also- you know that you can call me any time, any day what-so-ever!!!! I’d welcome it!!! In fact maybe you could call daily or hourly during my 2WW to keep me from going mad.
Now go hurry up and find your period so you can get started already.
-Faith
PS…I really am expecting a call…soon 🙂
Uteruses are the most stubborn, manipulative little bitches in the world! Let go of that lining, Watson’s uterus! You’ve already upset her! You made your point, now lay off! Geez!
Haha. Funny stuff.
My period always had a habit of disappearing right around treatment time as well. I would then email or call my doctor and ask him what to do, hang up after receiving advice, then bleed like nobody’s business. It’s just my body’s way.
As for fuckery…great word. It’s actually used in a song (Amy Winehouse’s “Me & Mr Jones”), a fact which gives me faith in the human race.
Speaking of the super chic medical waste container, my brother was like, “um, when you’re done with that, can I have it? It would make a great conversation piece when someone gets in my car and it’s sitting there between the two seats.” Had to explain to him the whole point of the sharps box…
I like the new slogan. It is fucking Hammer Time by now. Hope the period has shown up.