*** WITH AP-DATES *** BELOW *** DOWN THERE, AT THE BOTTOM ***
So I went to see a psychic healer last Sunday.
And I know. I KNOW.
You hear this crap so often from me, it’s like someone else saying, "I walked upright last weekend" or "I exhaled earlier today."
But what can I say? It’s the norm in my crazy family.
Speaking of crazy, my Mom broached the subject of me seeing this particular healer (as opposed to the infamous Master Cha or the Russian healer who convinced her to place a photo (a photo!) of him on her head after she fell and cracked her skull open) by prefacing the conversation with these words:
"He’s a little out there…"
WHA??
Do you realize what THAT means coming from my MOTHER??
"Oh. MY. GOD. Does he have three heads and sacrifice small woodland creatures before the healing session begins?" I asked.
"No."
"Does he speak in tongues and coax snakes from a basket with a pan flute and then make you eat the snakes. WHILE THEY’RE STILL ALIVE??"
"No."
"Does he teleport himself into the room and put you in a trance and use a prob and — "
"—NO. Will you stop this Watson, for crisssakes let me finish!"
"Well, what then? Your definition of ‘out there’ is scaring me, given what you think is normal," I said.
I was thinking of the time in junior high school when she dragged me to this not-so-nice part of town to see a Filipino healer who supposedly did psychic surgery. That is, surgery with just his hands. HIS BARE HANDS. No medical instruments of any kind. No anesthesia. And this really isn’t the time to get into it, but let’s just say that although I’m far from convinced this a real thing, I did see the "doctor" produce some slimy bits of gobbley-gook that he claimed came from my Mother’s stomach.
(GAWD. How often do you get to write a sentence like that??)
Moving on.
Or have you stopped reading? Have I finally crossed The Line? The Line I have skated so perilously close to, so many times? The Line that separates a somewhat entertaining story from a total crap load of bullshit?
For those two or three of you still reading, I swear I only write the truth. I know it sounds inconceivable (which is not an infertility pun, by the way) but everything I write about here actually happened…
Back to my story:
"Humppff," my Mom snorted. "No, he doesn’t have three heads or snakes or probes. He just uses these machines he invented and then takes a reading of your energy and heals you with these crystals."
"Cool. Sign me up. As long as there are no live snakes involved, I’m in."
(Does that mean I would have been up for the probe? Maybe. I guess depending on what kind of weekend I was having…)
I arrive at this woman’s house and a very normal-looking man answers the door. He’s so normal, in fact, that I mistake him for the home owner’s husband and it takes me a few minutes to clue in to the fact that he is the healer.
I have been asked to take my shoes off at the front door, and offered some slippers that are sitting in pairs by the steps. I have very small feet and so as I clumsily put a pair on my feet, I look like I’m wearing clown shoes and I slip and slid down the hall to the room that has been set up.
The guy, Gary (see! Even a normal name!) sort of waves his hands in front of me and asks what health issues I have.
"Well," I start, "I’ve been trying to get pregnant for like FOUR years now…"
He interrupts me to say that I have an issue with my fallopian tubes. (I swear if I had nickel for EVERY TIME a psychic healer told me that, I’d be a rich woman.) He says almost the exact same thing another person told me a couple of months ago, that although I ovulate regularly, there’s something (fluid, scar tissue, paste?) that creates an obstacle for the egg and by the time it gets anywhere, it’s too late.
Remember how I told you that my eggs like to take trips to Tijuana and bargain for cheap serapes and go to the mall? Remember?! Well, that is exactly what’s happening, according to this guy. My eggs start out heading to, let’s say school, but then get all distracted and decide to catch a matinee instead and by the time they saunter over near the uterus, BeBop’s spermies have just given up and gone home. Or died, as the case may be.
So anyway, he proceeds to tell me that IVF will work (YAY!) but that after his miraculous healing I should probably wait and just try naturally for a few more months (BOO!).
The funniest part was when he was waving his hands in front of me, taking a reading of some sort.
Healer Dude: "Okay, blahblah, ooolamamoo, liver, kidney…" he mumbles. "Okay, that looks good. I’m clearing the energy there and healing your organs."
Me: "Okay, errr…thanks?"
He looks to the side, and keeps waving his hands in a circular motion. He then looks past me, over my left shoulder.
Him: "I need some help with this one, guys" he says to someone or something.
Me: [crickets]
Him: "I don’t care…no, you decide. Who wants to help me?" (He’s still staring off into the distance, apparently talking to the someone, or the something, that has joined us in the room.)
"Okay," he continues. "Oh! All of you want to help? Thanks, that sounds good."
Me: "————-"
Then he turned on this little machine that had a crystal on the top and some funky flashing lights. And he held it over my open palms and
VOILA!
I AM HEALED.
Or, at least that’s what he said.
Honestly, I don’t know what my Mom was talking about. In the scheme of things, he wasn’t ‘out there’ at all. The talking to the angels thing was a little weird, but nothing like speaking in tongues or some guy yanking a disgusting, gooey GLOB out of my Mother’s stomach while I sat in the corner and watched.
That, my friends, THAT was weird. And I should know.
——————————————-
What the FRICK is an Ap-date, Watson?? You might be asking, and rightly so.
Well, it’s a combination APOLOGY and UPDATE.
First things first, I want to apologize to Tigger, who commented that my crack about speaking in tongues could be interpreted by some as offensive. I so didn’t mean it that way. My GOD, I am the last person who would be judgmental about another person’s choice for religion, practice, spiritual pursuits, etc. etc. etc.
I mean, have you READ my posts?? Have you read what I write about my own family and the craziness that ensues?? Which includes, but is not limited to, staying in an ashram in India, getting whacked in the head with a peacock feather by an Indian saint, seeing healers and <quote/unquote> psychic surgeons in sketchy parts of town and using adhesive tape to attach ‘magic crystals’ to various parts of our bodies for healing purposes and being hooked up to electrodes while the UPS delivery guy looks on and having the Patron Saint of Infertility watch over our sexy-time for good luck??
And that was all in the LAST WEEK.
(BAH DUH BUM.)
Anyhoo, I think some of us not familiar with the Pentecostal Christian church might call it ‘out there,’ in terms of it being very different from our own experiences. But different isn’t bad, it’s just different. And if my comment sounded lame and ignorant and offensive in any way, I’m sorry.
And as soon as a snake charmer comments that I have offended him or her, I will apologize for that too. And a pan flute player. (Okay. I probably won’t apologize for that.)
Anyway. What I’m really trying to say is that I’m sorry and I only meant to poke fun, mostly at myself. And my Mother, of course.
Moving on…many of you asked what our reproductive plans are in light of the fact that after seeing Magic Hands Gary, I AM HEALED.
Are we going to try naturally for a couple of months, you asked?
How can I express this in a dignified and mature manner, like the delicate flower that I am…
FUCKING HELL TO THE NO. ARE YOU PEOPLE FREAKING KIDDING ME?
Like I have said a million times, there is nothing ‘natural’ about covering the dog with a smelly blanket trapping him at the end of the bed while I complain about how it’s a Thursday night and I’d much rather be watching Grey’s Anatomy than BeBop’s anatomy and I have to get up early for work and WHY OH WHY did you drink that second beer because HOLY CRAP light some candles and not for the romance you jack ass!!!!!
So, NO. No, we are not trying naturally.
We are moving ahead with The Plan. BCPs start next week, followed by the rest of all that stuff that I’m still not very familiar with (but I know includes lots of needles) and that is why I am depending on you lovely people to help me through it.
And that my friends, THAT, is an AP-DATE.
Can I just tell you that I LOVE YOU? 🙂
What makes me laugh the hardest (and believe me, I laughed, complete with a snort, a number of times. But. The sentence “If I had a nickel for every time a psychic healer told me… I’d be rich” really got me. That’s a LOT of psychic healers.
So. What does this mean for your cycle? Are you taking Gary’s advice after your miraculous healing? Or, since IVF skips the pasty tubes, can you just ignore the waiting part?
Cause I’m getting used to the idea that we’re gonna be cyclesistas for IVF. I am going to push Dr. HIT to make it happen, even. 🙂
This was probably the best thing I’ve read all day 🙂 I love stories about psychic healers. I once went to a psychic who told me that I would know the man I was going to marry because when we met, he would tell me that he had lived abroad. Years later, I’m sitting down for a date with a man I had a crush on for years and he says, “well, I lived abroad…” And I married that man. And he is my perfect match. How fucking cool is that? Perhaps not as cool as seeing your mother’s guts come through her unblemished skin, but nonetheless…
Oh, Watson, I am wiping tears from my eyes I laughed so hard. You are priceless.
Well now wait a minute. This “stuff” that the psychic surgeon pulled from your mom’s stomach was chicken intenstines. Didn’t you see “Man on the Moon”? The story of Andy Kaufman? He went to one of those guys. They grab a handful of chicken guts first, then pretend to pull it out of the stomach. Delicious? Yes. Real surgery? No. (Except for the chicken. Someone did surgery on the chicken)
Not that I don’t buy this stuff, ’cause I do. Especially the probes.
By the way, thanks for making some room for me on the blogroll! Because I’m the only dude, I got my own room! All the chicks have to share a room. Ha!
Mel,
What an awesome story, I am a SUCKER for stuff like that!
And Smarshy,
I agree with you on the whole hoax thing, and in general I’m quite the believer in all things paranormal.
But the psychic surgery is just too much, even for me!
I saw a special on how they often put a piece of saran wrap over the ‘patient’s’ abdomen, and then the ‘doctor’ pulls the gunk from there, making it look like they’re breaking the skin…ewwwwwwwww.
But let’s not tell that to my Mother, okay? She was totally stoked on getting rid of the gobbley gook and I wouldn’t want to spoil her fun!!
I love your stories. I wish I could meet you and your mother.
Honestly, I don’t think your stories will ever cross the line. They are hysterical.
However, what’s the lowdown on starting IVF? Are you waiting another month? I mean, it can’t cost much more than all the psychics you’re seeing, no?
Unless you start seeing psychics WHILE you do IVF. That may be crossing the line.
Ha ha I can just imagine that conversation with your mother, you’re a good storyteller! So are you going to ‘try naturally’ for a while then after the miracle healing? I hope it worked by the way!!
WORD. Just saw your comment on my blog – Cyclesistahs 4EVA!!!!
I think it’s a good idea to continue moving forward with IVF, btw. Not *just* because it would be awesome to cycle together. But because… if your problems are all related to your tubes… then IVF bypasses it all!
I’ve met 2 psychics before… one told me that we’d have twin boys, but “They might not come together.” (can you say IVF? We’ll need it for kid #2 as well, if we make it that far. I am thinking one via fresh cycle, one via FET. Makes them technically twins ’cause they were conceived at the same time, right?)
The other one told me in Fall of 2005 that it would be at least 18 months before we had a baby. (Bitch was right, btw.)
Anyway. Peace out yo. SISTAH.
Love it! You’re mom sounds like such a hoot!
At least you’ll be able to say you left no stone unturned. Besides, the psychic healer sounds a lot less painful than a regular RE appointment, it’s probably worth a shot. You’ve got a great attitude.
xo
Sounds like Gary may be a touch schizophrenic. Hearing voices and talking to people in his imagination kind of does sound a little “out there.”
But this is kind of a problem – it makes you mom right! See Watson, mother knows best! 🙂
I can’t decide if I should be amused or outraged that you think “speaking in tongues” is way out there. 🙂 I think I’ll stick with amused. I was raised a Pentocosal Christian (think holy rollers, swinging from the chandeliers…only we didn’t have any of those). My own mother speaks in tongues, as do many of the other people in church. She would think YOUR mother was truly out there. People’s perspectives amuse me, and I love your blog. I read every post I could find about your mother when I needed a giggle.
I laughed and laughed and laughed.
And you’re right, this doesn’t sound any more “out there” than any other story you’ve told.
Bea
What I love about you is the way that you go to see the healers, but then you laugh about it. It’s like the cynicism that wasn’t. So much like me in that way.
Oh, it just occured to me reading Serenity’s comment that maybe people didn’t get that I was being ironic with the title of cyclesista.
Now I am real embarrassed. Maybe I’ll think of a new url and put a redirect on the site.
Ok, got serious stitches from laughing!
What a laugh you must have with a mum like that!
So seriously, are you going ‘au naturel’ or bypassing ‘him’ and his mad ideas and keep with the IVF? 🙂
I was hooked when your mother said he was out there. There was no way I was going to stop reading until the whole horrible truth came out.
I’m so glad you’re healed now, my dear Watson, and by a crack team of spirits, no less…
God…I love you posts. I always laugh. My life is much too dull. My acupuncturist recommended a clairvoyant infertility healer to me and I seriously considered it. Supposedly this woman has healed over a 1000 infertiles.
I want to thank you for all of your support and open arms to stop by or stay over. That means the world to me. I feel like your my little security blanket as I travel in case I need someone 🙂
I am so excited that your IVF cycle is almost underway. Dr. Z is just so amazing as is his office staff. I’m so pleased with my experience so far. I hope you call on me as you go through your experience whenever you encounter any questions or just want to talk.
Fondly,
Faith
With all this expert help, you are bound to clear up that “fallopian tube problem” eventually! You should tell your doc that Gary says IVF will work. That should boost his confidence in the procedure for you.
Just wanted to stop by & say that your posts make my day…The humor is priceless!!
Although, I now have to leave work to go home & change my underwear from peeing my pants…Thanks. 🙂
I love this story. I love the paste in the tubes, I love the “Can I get some help here?”, I love all of it.
And YES. Yes you have crossed The Line. I’ll be the only brave one to say it.
Where can I find this guy? Oh, right, left coast.
You seriously need to write a book about your life. hahaha. I love reading your updates.
Cheers,
Deb
really, that’s not much different that the crzy stuff the RE’s subject us too…flushing our tubes out with oil, etc.
amd maybe you’re fixed…without the first internal u/s.
i have the same question as serenity.
Wow! Well congratulations on being healed. If that’s all it took you should have definitely done it sooner! 😉
OMG, I seriously just spit Diet Pepsi all over my keyboard laughing (and thank GAWD Mr Kir works in the computer dept cause he can get me a new one, because after that little display coming out my nose I am going to need a new keyboard) I love you Watson, your posts keep me sane….I swear.
I am also so glad you’re healed and going on with THE PLAN, because I am right behind you (by a couple of months) and really want to F*cking know what it’s like ,,I mean you being my peeps and all I know you’ll give it to me straight, right?
*Hugs sweetie*
Kir 🙂
Oh. my. G*d. After I cleaned up the tea snorted through my nose and onto my monitor, my first thought was: What color were the flashing lights?
No apologies needed hun. I wasn’t truly offended – just odd to see some sterotypes in print. I know full well the way people view Pentocostals from the outside, and that it’s a blanket view, and that without full understanding it seems a little wonky. Hell, it’s a little wonky to me but it doesn’t bother me even if I don’t quite understand it. My DH, on the other hand, refuses to attend a church where it might happen and says he will walk out. Makes life interesting!
If you have to start worrying about who you offend, your blog will never be the same. Worry not – if they don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. That goes for me too! But I love your blog – it makes me laugh like nothing else.
This is the first time I’ve read and I’m hooked. This was hilarious.
I’ve gotten the same diagnosis about my tubes, but that came from my RE, so it was a little boring. If I had known I could get a show I would have tried a psychic healer. Though maybe I will… since my RE hasn’t actually healed anything.
Good luck with the IVF.
Watson..you are the best..you make me laugh when I need it the most!!! Thank you!!
Good luck with the IVF….I will be thinking about and will be there every step of the way!! Hugs!!