Or:
Kotex: I Wish I Could Quit You
And I know, one minute I’m complaining that my period isn’t here, the next I’m complaining that it is.
What can I say? I’m fickle. I am a total pain in the ass. Keep up people!
Today is most assuredly CD1. Last Sunday – false alarm! My bad.
I am sure because not too long ago I got that not so fresh feeling DOWN THERE and sprinted down the hall to the ladies room. As I commandeered the wrapping and the stickers and the wings, I thought: This bites. And then? Think positively! Maybe this will be your last period for a LONG time!
For those of you who asked, yes, I do take the natural progesterone tablets to stave off my period and try to have a luteal phase of close to 14 days. But usually after about 12 or 13 days, my AF stares deep into the eyes of those all-natural, hippy-dippy, Patchouli-wearing progesterone tabs and says:
Bitches, PLEASE!
I am AF and I come when I’m good and ready so back that ass up and get out of my way.
And the Battle of Plimbo ends shortly thereafter. My period wins every time.
This whole progesterone deal stirred up a lot of interest, mostly because per usual I did a half-assed job of explaining what in the flingin’ flangin’ hell I was talking about in my last post.
I snorted Diet Pepsi out my nose when I read Faith’s comment:
When you say "cramming progesterone tabs down my gullet" I hope you mean you’re cramming them up your cookie. I actually know a women that swallowed them b/c no one told her where they belonged…
SERIOUSLY?!?
I shouldn’t laugh because that WOULD be something I would do, but thankfully that little pearl is not about me. My acupuncturist recommends an all-natural form of progesterone, which comes in tiny little pills. As soon as you ovulate, you take three of the pills three times a day. You bite them in half (which is no easy task because they’re teeny tiny), let them sit under your tongue for a few minutes and then swallow them.
And even though they’re all natural, they actually do work. Before I started taking them, my luteal phase was only 10 days long. Now, I start spotting around 11 or 12DPO, but I can usually stay in Plimbo long enough to have a real, Big Girl luteal phase of 13 or 14 days.
And speaking of the lovely Faith, head on over there to wish her luck — her transfer is tomorrow. Go Faith!
Her account of the PIO shots made me literally quake with fear, and I know in a few short weeks I’ll be screaming for my hippy alternative progesterone tabs and wishing I could just make do with them.
Is it wrong that I totally do not trust BeBop to administer my shots? Because I. Do. Not. Trust. Him.
Even now, he grins with this evil little smile and makes stabbing motions towards me while laughing this hyena (or is it a jackal?)-type laugh when we talk about the injections. It does not instill a lot of confidence in me.
I mean, we do share a sick sense of humor. Last weekend Saturday Night Live had a sketch about a wife slowly poisoning her husband with Dioxin. (They were in therapy, discussing it.) At one point the husband remarked how his wife put ‘Dioxin’ on the shopping list, which was fairly passive aggressive, he told the therapist. (Since she was trying to KILL him and all…) And you sort of had to see the skit but the POINT IS
On Sunday I put a shopping list on the fridge for BeBop consisting of the following items:
1. Paper Towels
2. Eggs
3. Dioxin
4. Milk
Now I think it’s safe to say I have a sick sense of humor if I am putting a toxic poison on our shopping list, just like the wife did in that sketch.
But my sense of humor fails me completely when it comes to him gleefully anticipating what it will be like to stab me in the ass with an inch and-a-half long needle filled with PIO!
But here we go anyway, despite my crazy anxiety and overall sense of freakoutedness.
I am IN CYCLE. TAA DAA.
And here’s where you come in, I need your help.
As I mentioned, I want to change the name of this category (IVF#1) to something a little more upbeat and positive. I thought of IVF#1: My One And Only but that makes me think of a sappy Marisa Tomei/Robert Downy, Jr. movie from the late 1980s and after that I’m fresh out of good ideas.
IVF#1: Fo’ Shizzle
IVF#1: Something To Pass The Time Until Britney Gets Pregnant Again
IVF#1: Can Jack Bauer Be Called In To Help With This Mission?
IVF#1: Tortuously Slow Countdown To The Infamous Baby File Of Doom
IVF#1: Or As I Like To Call It, Hall Pass Excusing Me From Sex
See?! OUT OF GOOD IDEAS.
So please send your suggestions. The winner will receive a prize. A good one too! In addition to the honor of knowing each time I write any worthless drivel over the next couple of months said drivel will bear your creative mark, I will also send the winner a leftover box of OPKs. I think there are still 4-5 left in there and we all know in the IF business, a few free pee sticks is nothing to sneeze at. Something more to pee on (YAY! WE HEART THE STICK-PEEING!!) but nothing to sneeze at.
Watson, I swear to God you are one of the funniest people I have ever come across. I don’t ususally laugh out loud at things, it’s just my way. And yet you had me laughing out loud when all I had read was the TITLE of your post.
Good god woman. Don’t blow your funny wad too early. Save up a bit.
How about this: IVF#1: Rollin’ at the Petri Dish Cafe
Believe it or not, you can take pro.metrium BOTH ways – orally AND vaginally. Same with es.trace. (Don’t ask me how I know this. I won’t tell.)
And I’m with Smarshy. You are by far the funniest person I’ve read… it’s making me feel inadequate somehow. Like I’m just not funny enough to be your cyclesista.
But enough of my self-esteem issues. Mottos!
IVF #1: Because I love the feel of a cold speculum in the morning.
IVF #1: Leggo my embryo
IVF #1: (Or my $10,000 investment in my doctor’s BMW)
IVF #1: Doped up and trigger happy
Damn it you! You do not need my assistance–I’m drawing a complete blank. I do, however, enjoy “IVF#1: Something To Pass The Time Until Britney Gets Pregnant Again.” And “IVF #1: Leggo my embryo” from the brilliant serenity.
Forget writing a book. You need to be a stand up comic. You make me laugh out loud and that is hard to do.
My suggestion –
IVF #1: Don’t fuck with me because BeBop bought Dioxin and I am not afraid to use it.
Too many good suggestions. I like your last two, and Serenity’s first one. Also My Reality’s. How can I compete?
You obviously need something to capture the full range of subtle emotions encapsulated by this experience. IVF#1: Fuck off and leave me alone? Or am I projecting too much here?
Bea
I also peed a teeny bit when I read the TITLE of your post. You are too funny!
I like your last one: IVF#1: Or As I Like To Call It, Hall Pass Excusing Me From Sex…
or what about:
IVF#1 – Needle tracks, what needle tracks?
IVF#1 – My love, what did I do to deserve you?
Serenity’s are good!!
IVF#1: You had me at CD1.
or maybe
IVF#1: Go ahead, make my baby.
But, I’m not trying for the prize here. OPK’s? I’m a little beyond my OPK days, girlfriend. : ) Now, if you are giving away some foll.istim or even Vall.ium, I’d take some of that!
Seriously, but I cried at Kotex: I wish I could quit you. Priceless.
And Serenity’s Leggo My Embryo and Susan’s Go Ahead, Make my Baby are nice contenders. I toss my humble hat into the ring:
IVF #1: Vote For Pedro
IVF #1: I’m Doing My Own Damn Shots
IVf #1: Better Than Dioxin
Just laughing helplessly over here, at your post and at the comments. I am drawing a complete blank on categories, but “Leggo my embryo” and “Go ahead, make my baby” are brilliant.
That Dioxin sketch was pretty funny. I should try that with D and see if he remembers it or just thinks I am going psycho on him.
Damn, the pressure. Now I’m going to spend the whole day trying to win the leftover OPKs. Give me time, give me time.
Congratulations on the first step of a long road.
“The loooooooong and wiiiiiiiinding rooooooad that leads (dun dun) to a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”
LOL! Dioxin – ha?! I’m gonna have to remember that . . . .
I like your IVF #1 titles – especially zee one about the “Hall Pass Excusing Me from Sex”!
IVF#1: Because the 90’s are over and I’m bored.
IVF#1: No “BJ Week” for Bebop for 9 months
IVF#1: HOW BOUT THEM EGGS?!?!
IVF#1: Spending their college money early
IVF#1: I don’t need no stinkin sex!
I’ll have to think on it and come up with a few more.
IVF#1: A different kind of poke
That’s all I got. You are a funny funny woman! Finally de-lurking!
Oh, mock the Marisa Tomei film will you? MOCK IT? In a Buserelin down-reg hormone fueled haze I watched that film and sobbed my ass off. It’s ridiculous. I hated her hair. How could I cry at that?
So I give you: IVF #1-Hormones aren’t just for drinking anymore.
IVF#1 or why we ain’t ‘Rollin VIP’
Love your blog. You are very funny.
You are too funny. I do like your last one. Since I am so sleep derprived, I can’t really come up with anything creative….how about IVF#1 Having sex is old school, we love technology.
Just found you on cyclesista and read your entire blog today! You are sooo funny – I kept laughing out loud at work and the woman I work with kept looking at me like I was insane.
I really liked “IVF #1: Hammer time” I’ve been singing it all day. But, I am a dork.
I was thinking along the lines of MoMo…
IVF#1: Because Sex is so Last Season.
I’m going to have to start putting down my beverages before reading your posts…
I loved Susan’s one – Go ahead, make my baby! LOL!!!
IVF#1 The Rhythm is Goin to Get You!