My bunghole is much better, thank you for asking!
I know many of you have been logging on (no pun intended!) to check on me and my hemorrhoids and/or anal fissures and for that, I am eternally grateful.
If it was the ‘roids, the copious amounts of fiber I am taking seem to be helping. If it was an anal fissure, it’s either the medicated, so humiliating-to-purchase medicated ass wipes that did the trick. That, or the caulking glue I shoved up there with a trowel, who’s to say?
Anyhoosies, moving on…
We took a two-day Hypnobirthing class over the weekend and it was AWESOME!
Totally San Francisco: in a crazy converted old Victorian in the Mission District, we had to take our shoes off and sit on the floor. (I’m not sure how smart it is to have 10 pregnant ladies sit on the floor all day, but what the hell?) and no meat allowed! (‘Meat not welcome’ said the e-mail information we got before the class.)
There were a few married couples, a single lesbian woman whose sister is going to be her birth companion and then two unmarried, young couples who live together in some kind of mini-commune arrangement and are due within days of each other. They are planning home births with a birthing tub and everything. (And yes, I imagine they will rinse it out between births but I was too afraid to ask. Far be it for me to judge.)
Everyone (every single person!) in the class brought those metal water bottle things with them and I was the asshole carrying the earth-killing, bisphenol A-leaching plastic water bottle. (But I’ll reuse it! I wanted to scream.)
It was a very cool course all about using self-hypnosis and other relaxation techniques to get through labor. And I know! What in the H-E-L-L was I doing in a class all about natural child birth?!? With TWINS on the way??
(You people always ask really good questions. Really.)
Remember how I told you I’m just pretending I can give birth vaginally and avoid a c-section? Well, this class was all part of my delusion plan. My doctor wants me to have an epidural, so that if we need to do an emergency c-section for one or both of the babies I’m ready, and I’m not necessarily opposed to that. I just want to keep my options open, and if I can labor at least for a while without many (or any) interventions, that would be my ideal.
So the funky class was all part of my absurd campaign to pretend I’m not high risk and just mosey along for the next several weeks (!!!) in some kind of altered state where my grasp on reality is tenuous at best. And it’s worked for me in the past, so who knows?
To be perfectly honest, my dream (if I hadn’t gone through five years of fucking hell trying to get pregnant and I wasn’t older than the hills and I was carrying a singleton) I would have wanted a home birth with a midwife and a birthing tub. The problem would have been convincing someone to be there with me, because both BeBop and my sister would have been all HELLS NO you fricking FREAK and that would not have been the best situation in the world.
My Mom probably would have been game, but she would have wanted to bring along the dowser and various healing crystals and maybe stick me in a Life Pod or God knows what else.
I watched BeBop carefully when we were seeing a home birth video during the class and I could have predicted how he looked away when the money shot came: a close up of the woman’s giant lady parts opening for the red, gooey baby that was emerging like something out of a science fiction movie.
And although he did really well in the class and is very supportive of my birth rantings of a crazy person plan, I told him afterwards I want him to be a waist-up type of husband in the event we get our va-jay-jay birth.
"Don’t look DOWN THERE," I told him when we were walking back to the car after the first day of class. "Seriously, even if they ask you if you want to see the baby crowning, say NO THANK YOU and DON’T LOOK, okay??"
He seemed fine with this plan.
In other news, I am finally posting some pictures, God help us all.
I briefly considered poaching Faith’s recent belly shots because she looks like a fricking model or something, but then I remembered how 1) most of you have seen my mug on YouTube and HOW could I possibly get so much better looking in the last few months, that seems impossible and 2) most of you read her blog too and like I said, you all are some smarty bears and I don’t think I could get away with a trick like that.
So here you go, proceed with caution:
How will I get out of this chair, you ask?
HAHAHAHAHAHA, I respond gaily, throwing my head back to emphasize my lack of concern.
I won’t. I’ll spend the remainder of this pregnancy in my friend’s garden, surrounded by presents. What could possibly be so bad about THAT??
Mmmmmmm…me hungry.
Me giant Godzilla-like pregnant lady who will devour this cupcake in mere seconds.
MILK. Bring me MILK you peasants. NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!
Beware miscreants. Mini-cupcakes today. Your cities tomorrow.
And the peice-de-I-can’t-believe-she’s-posting-this-does-she-have-no-shame:
Twenty-nine weeks, people, twenty-nine weeks. How the HELL did this happen??
Awww thanks for the belly shots. How stoked are you that this freakin’ WORKED for you!
And the story about the hippy SFO birth classes…hysterical. So true I am sure. At least Be Bop wants to be in the room with you. If we ever get to that point, Cowboy seriously asked if he could stand in the hall. Like in the 1950s. Seriously. You are a lucky woman.
When I saw you with the cupcake I first thought “holy crap..she is huge” but then I read it’s a MINI cupcake and then I thought “good God… who eat just one mini cupcake?” FYI I did natural childbirth of a singleton and while I know it was the “best” I’m pretty much not going to do that again. From my personal experience….it’s overrated. No judgment on anyone else…I did it and whatever. I have braggin rights but I think I would have been able to ENJOY it if I was drugged up a bit. As it was I pretty much yelled the f-word for a few hours.
You look beautiful! Really, truly beautiful.
29 weeks and looking absolutely fantastic!!! Glad the ‘roids are better 😉 I had those for the last few weeks of my pg, and boy, did they suck!
Holy CATS, are you adorable!
look at how adorable you are!
You look fabulous!!! I love the tale of the birthing class and you were in my ‘hood!
Any of those cupcakes left?
You look radiant! And pregnant! And great!
Glad the ‘roids are better, hope they stay that way.
You look fabulous.
Dude, you are so freaking adorable, I can’t stand it.
OH MY GOSH I KNOW. I’m 28 weeks today and am wondering the SAME THING. HOW?? HOW????
You look good! You look BIG, but you don’t look older than the hills, silly! And I should know. I’m a smart-ass 20-something. mwu ha ha.
🙂
You look fahhhhhbulous darling!
you, in no way, look preggie with twins! i think you look swell. i can’t believe you’re at 29 weeks, either. yowsers. gget some sleep! hahahahahahahhaha.
thanks for the pics. glad le ol’bung hole is better.
Beautiful belly shot! And who wouldn’t mind sitting in a chair and being surrounded by presents!
Personally I think you look FABULOUS for being 29w pregnant with twins. 🙂
Can I have a cupcake too? All of a sudden I am having a HUGE craving for one…
…must… get… cupcake…
…mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…
You look beautiful! Thanks for posting pictures. That birthing class is hystercal!
YUMMY!!
congratulations, in the home stretch now!!
You look fabulous!! I can’t believe 29 weeks have passed already–seems like it was just a month or so ago when I was checking constantly for your beta results!
Carla
29 weeks, OMG, where did that TIME go????
You look amazing and wonderful and happy.
Plus you are still making me laugh, which is such a bonus. 🙂
*hug sweetie*
Say, isn’t that the shirt your wore in your YouTube injection tutorial?
Enjoy those cupcakes! Twins hungry!
You are just glowing=) In the BEST of ways–love all the pics, and so glad its going well=)
Holy hell, 29 weeks! That’s awesome – congrats. Fun pics and all:-)
My dr also recommended epidural with my twins. I was able to labor at home for several hours before going to the hospital (at which point, I was plenty ready for the epidural). It actually saved me from having an emergency c-section. After twin A was born, twin B, who was transverse went into some sort of distress (we think). They decided to operate, but were able to boost the epidural on the way to the operating room (making it MUCH quicker than general) and then they said they’d give it one last try with vacuum – she was out in a minute or two. If they had put me under, they never would have tried again and I would have ended up with both a vaginal birth AND a c-section… So I agree with your doctor.
And, BTW, you look amazing 🙂
1- You look MARVELOUS. 2- Where did you get those brown pants? (Must get me some, please share.) 3- Glad the trowel job did the trick. 4- Your class sounds interesting, and your plan seems good to me. I’m glad you have a doctor who is letting you entertain the options that you really prefer.
It is true – you glow!
Glad you are feeling better.
Didn’t someone tell you that you have to bring enough cupcakes for everyone if you’re going to show people what you’re eating? I’m SO jealous!
You look absolutely adorable. Being a twin mama really suits you.
You look fantastic! You glow. And you made me laugh out loud as usual with your wit. Your wit glows too 🙂
Don’t you look bloomingly lovely, my dear! Positively glowing, you deserve it love, enjoy the rest of the ride 🙂
XXX