You Did Not Hear This From Me

So this is CD2, and you know what THAT means.  Yesterday was CD1 which means, of course, that I am not pregnant and that the nightmare continues. 

But!  Thankfully my Mother stepped in with some very helpful advice to help me through this difficult time. (Do I even have to indicate the sarcasm here?  No? Good.)

We went over to my folks’ house this weekend for a BBQ, and my Mom met us there after spending the last day and-a-half at a conspiracy conference. 

She was in rare form.

Now I can’t go into detail about some of the "information" that my Mom imparted to us, because THEY will find out and shut down my blog and hunt me down like the scared little bunny rabbit that I am.

But there were some tidbits that probably won’t bring on the black helicopters and so, because I’m just a giver, I will share some of these details with you:

*There are major earth changes coming, and boy do they sound impressive. I wrote a little about this here.  There’s lots of death and destruction and doom and gloom coming our way and my Mom is frantically trying to talk my Dad into buying property inland. Like, waaayyy inland.  Think Colorado. Or?  A very big raft.  And after my half-hour swimming lesson with the seven year olds last weekend, you’d think I would feel more prepared, but honestly I am scouring the internet for the world’s largest water wings.  You know, just in case.

*There was a whole discussion about aliens but I’ve managed to block out most of it.  OR DID I???  Duhn Duhn Duhn. Now that I think about it, there WAS an odd lizard-like creature at my bedroom window the other night and also, I think, a probe of some kind, but the details are kind of sketchy.  Oh well. Probably not that important. Moving on.

*Now I’m not sure why someone talking about earth changes also knows about this, but as I’ve mentioned my Mom is not big on the details.  Apparently, when you change your name you totally fuck up your entire life.  Your name, supposedly, carries a lot of energy from the time of your birth and when you change it for any reason (marriage, just because you want a new name, that kind of thing) you change this energy pattern and all hell breaks loose.

So this information brought forth a tirade that lasted on and off for the entire meal.

Her:  "I think you should go back to using your other last name and just add it to your new last name."

Me:  "BUT THAT’S NOT MY NAME ANYMORE."

Her:  "Oh who will notice?  No one pays attention to those things. And, you should also use your middle name too."

Me:  "But I gave up my middle name, dropped my last name and took on BeBop’s name when we got married.  Where were you five years ago when this could have helped me?"

The more I protested that I would not be reclaiming my former last name and middle name and creating an entirely new combination of odd monikers, the more suggestions she had for somehow including every name I’ve ever had into one long pain-in-the-ass name.   Finally, I just took my sister’s advice which is to sigh and agree to whatever she is saying, just to get her to stop talking.

*Then, my Mother presented me with a "present" purchased at this conference.  Was it something useful, like the aforementioned water wings? Or an off-shore bank account?  No.  This "present" consisted of two parts:  one was a sheet of paper, laminated, with a drawing of a human figure and a bunch of colors over him/her.  My Mom explained that these were the correct chakra colors, not the ones we’ve been using all these years.  Now this, this…item can redirect bad energy and so I need to hang it in a prominent place in my house to protect me from negative energy and, I think, electromagnetic waves.  And also?  Guarantee that my friends think I’m crazy (and with zero decorating ability) when they come over and see this thing displayed in my living room.

"But Mommmmmm….[whining and eye-rolling like a thirteen-year-old in the throes of puberty] I don’t WANNA hang this up.  It’s ugly and weird and I already have that pyramid thing you gave me for Christmas last year!!!"

"Oh good!  That will help. But this is really powerful so JUST HANG IT UP.  I didn’t spend ten bucks for nothing!!"

The second half of this "present" was a little card, also laminated.  It had a picture of, like, an upside martini glass thing on it, as well as the word "pregnancy" and you can see where this is going.

My Mom proudly handed the card to me and announced, "This will help you!  One woman thought that if one was good then three would be great, and she had TRIPLETS so watch out!  I only bought you one and I really think it will help."

More sighing and whining and eye-rolling. "This is ridiculous, Mother.  What the hell am I supposed to do with THIS?  It looks like a martini glass."

"Oh, you imagine that in your womb."  [At this point I notice my Father is very pale and sweating profusely, trying to focus on the grill and NOT on the discussion about his daughter’s womb.]

"I imagine an upside down martini glass in my womb and that will help me get pregnant?"

"YES." 

At this point, people, I am almost desperate enough to try it.  Almost. 

I think I’ll start with a few real martini glasses and go from there…