So which one of you kicked me in the stomach when I wasn’t paying attention? Seriously, that was so rude. I really feel as though I might vomit any second now…
Oh wait!
This nauseous feeling is probably because I just called and set up a phone consultation at a local fertility clinic. To explore IVF.
MY BAD.
How did I get here? I have been in denial for years now, thinking somehow, something would work and we wouldn’t have to jump off the IVF cliff.
Does everyone feel like this? Do we all think, "I won’t have to do IVF" until it dawns on us that, "Holy fucking hell, I HAVE TO DO IVF"??
Or is it just me? You can be honest.
As I’ve sort of mentioned, we started trying to get pregnant almost four years ago. We tried for a year, then sought help. I went through all the tests, and so did BeBop, and they couldn’t find anything wrong with either one of us. And as I’ve mentioned in gag-inducing detail, I do tend to ovulate late in my cycle and have always had a short luteal phase. So there’s something off, but still I’m technically grouped in the super fun cool clique known as ‘unexplained infertility.’
So back in 2003-2004, we did three months of clomid. No IUI. Why? I have no idea. It’s just how that doctor wanted to do things and it sounded like a good idea at the time. After three months, he decided to proscribe Femara instead of clomid, and we had an IUI scheduled. In the days prior, everything looked great.
GREAT I tell you!
{cue ominous music here}
But the day before, when I went in for my last ultrasound, the follicles were gone. GONE I tell you! It was so odd that the doctor had other doctors come in and take a look at the cooter cam projecting on the monitor, to see if they could see any follicles. They were mysteriously absent.
It was like my follicles were cutting class, having sneaked home to a kid’s house whose parents were out of town to drink creme de menthe all day.
Or perhaps they decided all the hoo-hah over my hoo-hah was just too much to bear, and they decided to elope.
Either way, they were all gone. But they were just there the OTHER DAY I tell you!
So, needless to say, we canceled the IUI since there was nothing to trigger. I cried so hard driving home I thought I would either drive off the road or spontaneously combust. I would have stopped at McDonald’s for an emergency chocolate shake but I had way too much snot running down my face.
When I got home and told BeBop in gasping, full-body sobs what had happened, my Boston Terrier, Tiger, crawled onto my lap, curled his body into a little circle, and promptly fell into a deep sleep. It was like he was trying to absorb my sadness, grief and anger.
Later that day, I went over to my parents’ house to tell them we had to cancel the IUI. My Mom, being the sweet and nurturing Mother that she is, exclaimed how things are always so difficult for me and how weird it is that things always seem to work out for my sister.
She then went on to offer a veritable laundry list of things that had been hard for me, including but not limited to a high school boyfriend who broke my heart by cheating on me, another boyfriend who was an alcoholic and dubbed (for a good reason) ‘Mr. Cruel’ by my friends, having to move from Washington DC because I couldn’t find work and now, infertility. This did not, for some strange reason, make me feel any better.
But then, while I was still talking, I had an epiphany. A real, honest-to-God moment of clarity that once I said out loud, I knew in my gut to be true: I was not going to get pregnant at that point in time. It was simply not possible. My body would not allow it to happen. I know that might sound strange, but as I said those words aloud, it just rang true in every cell of my body. It was not the right time to get pregnant. It would not happen, no matter what I did in terms of treatments or medical interventions.
It was a weird thing to have happen, and believe me growing up with my Mother, I’ve had some weird stuff happen.
And when I discussed this later with BeBop, he was in total agreement. Since he was in school full time and I was the sole breadwinner, we were under a tremendous amount of pressure. To be honest, I think he was somewhat relieved. So, together we decided we would wait until he finished school. And even though it was a gut-wrenching decision to make, it just felt right.
So I went to India that summer, and enrolled in a life coaching certification program. And went to baby showers and saw friends with their new babies and knew that one day, my time would come. I was really okay with waiting.
Once BeBop finally finished school, we thought it was time to get started again. (Now, we hadn’t used any birth control during our break, but we weren’t timing sex and I wasn’t paying attention to my BBT. So we weren’t trying, but we weren’t trying to not try, if that makes any sense.)
Fast forward to this year, when the start of 2006 felt like the right time to seek treatments. I really, really believed that the clomid/IUI combination this spring would work. I felt much healthier, both physically and emotionally, and we were both excited to begin this journey – again. Take two.
When the IUIs didn’t work, I have to say I was shocked. But this has to work, I would whine, because surely I would not need something as invasive (and frigging expensive) as IVF!
And yet here we are. Is reality just crashing in on me and I’m finally seeing the situation for what it is? Have I been in denial and the fact that I’m 38 and not pregnant after four years of unprotected sex just escaped me all this time??
Basically, have I had my head up my ass this entire time?
Or is this how it goes, that we try to hope each level of medical assistance will be the one that does the trick, and only when it fails do we look for the next step in the process?
I almost wish someone had kicked me in the stomach, I think that would feel better.
Totally normal reaction. I’m not sure if that makes it better, or not. Would it help if I told you it passes, and you just start accepting that’s the way it is? Not liking it, mind. Not thinking it’s fair. But you get used to the idea that this is your life. This is happening to you.
Bea
I, too felt like IVF came out of nowhere and was suddenly my only option. This despite 6 months of Clomid and 4 IUIs, not to mention the 800 friggin years of unprotected sex. Despite all of that, I got to IVF time and thought, “Shit, this is really it.”
That said, it is also the time I felt some reassurance that I might actually get pregnant. I know Clomid and IUIs get some people pregnant, but because they failed for me I thought they were a waste of time. IVF, though the final step of fertility treatment for me, at least had some promise. Oddly enough, from the start of my one (and only) IVF cycle, I wished I had done that from the very start. You know, fun as these things are.
Bea is right. You come to terms with it at some point and deal with the fact that this is where you are, like it or not. I think by virtue of being the start of IVF there is sometimes at least a little optimism that may not have existed before. It doesn’t make it better, but it might make it bearable.
I doubt you’re the only one to feel that way.
And, yes, I think it is fairly normal to only seriously consider a treatment after first exhausting other less invasive and more affordable options. I mean, who starts off thinking, “Man, I REALLY want to do IVF!”
I love how Tiger tried to absorb the hurt. Pets do that.
I don’t think you are the only one to feel this way….I think I’ve read too many discussion boards and too many blogs and witnessed how so many women react as they go down the “IF treatment path”.
I can’t personally relate though, as for me it was either IVF, or maybe an 5-10% chance of “natural conception”. Obviously, those were crap odds, so if we wanted a REAL chance it was IVF. And….since I had the Ovarian cancer, I always knew and suspected that conception might be difficult, so I guess I had about 8 years to “prepare” myself for when reality fully hit. Not that it makes it much easier to bear in the end of course, as I am stuck witnessing friends and family who weren’t even THINKING of TTC, now give birth WAAAAAAY before I ever will.
Anyway.
Sorry for the rant there, I guess this is a post for MY blog, not yours! LOL
Even though it took you four years to arrive at the IVF path, you did what you felt was best for you at the time, and that’s all you can do. I think it’s good that you explore all options though.
Looking forward to hearing how your consult goes.
Take care,
Nilla
Like Ms.Prufock said, I was actually pleased when we moved from IUI to IVF, as I felt it was the big guns treatment and one way more likely to work than IUIs. I was ready to move to IVF after two IUIs, but stuck it out for a third and was glad to finally get the show on the road with IVF.
Rather than feel disappointed about IVF, I was relieved that this technology even exists for those of us who just can’t seem to get pregnant the usual way. And as I’ve been a type 1 diabetic for 29 years now, I’m sort of used to having my body not respond in the usual way and wasn’t all that surprised about having to do infertility treatments in the first place (starting them at 35 didn’t surprise me either).
SOrry to go on and on, but I think the bottom line is, if IVF is what it takes to get pregnant, then who cares so long as there’s a healthy baby at the end of the line? Good luck with your protocol.
I still don’t understand why anyone bothers with IUIs, they have such a low success rate. I was a bit peturbed when we got to IVF (much more quickly than you did), but I was also glad as it seemed that’s how we had the best chance of getting pregnant. Try not to make IVF the big bogeyman. The physical side of it is really not that bad, and it will absolutely give you the best possible chance of pregnancy.
as I wait to talk to my dr next week about adding injections to my clomid IUIs, I know how you feel. I have been feeling it lately, that maybe we should cut to the chase and get on with the IVF, spend the money and just move ahead. Somedays I feel like I am fooling myself into believing that years in my 20’s of unprotected sex and three yrs of married/unprotected sex are all coincidence and “of course I can get PG on my own”. In dark moments it is a very LONELY place.
I am sending good thoughts that the appt goes well for you and that whatever the outcome that you are in a good place and going to get PG.
I had hoped that I would never have to use IVF, but I had a feeling that it would be what was needed to get me pregnant. I hoped so much that the IUIs would work and the doctors would be wrong. I’m still shocked though that we are actually doing IVF. I’m coming to accept it and getting really excited about it – in that it may lead to us finally having a child.
Good luck with everything!
I had kind of always thought I would need help to get pregnant, so IVF wasn’t a huge shock. I had always had things wrong with me, ovarian cysts, endo, tubal infections. What was the huge shock was my husband’s low sperm count. For some reason, that news threw me into a really awful place. Good luck with your consult.
Yep, sorry to tell you, but you’re completely normal … at least in this regard. 😉
When J and I started, we said we’d never do IVF. It was just to darn creepy. We’re now in the middle of IVF#3. It never goes the way you expect it to, does it?
I was in denial for so long … totally perplexing my doctor with my reluctance. I was still hoping for the ‘natural’ option to just happen for us. In my naivety, I felt that it would eventually work.
Now, I’m rushing my doc to huury up for the next cycle and wondering why I waited so long to get started.
Good luck for you. 🙂
I just found and read your posts. I wish you luck in this next step. I’ll definitely keep checking in on you.
Nobody wants to do IVF…I can see why you’ve been in denial. If you’re like me you have always thought that IVF wasn’t for people who ovulated on their own ….And its expensive and iffy and no fun.
It just occurred to me on Friday for the first time…ever… that k and I might only be able to conceive thru IVF…and its been gloomy at my house.
Its a sad realization. But, I suppose if you end up holding a little nipper you won’t give a flip how you got there, eh?
Your description sounds so much like my cycles except you left out light periods. I ovulate on my own, but my luteal phase tends to be short. I’ve tried Clomid and responded well, but no dice. Did 2 FSH+IUI, responded great, no luck. Then tried Femara + IUI. Had a good follicle growing fast, then it slowed. We triggered and had the IUI, but a progesterone test later indicated I didn’t ovulate. So weird, doc said it must have been a cyst.
I’m so done with treatments right now, but I know there is IVF hanging out there as a backup plan. I had an ectopic pregnancy earlier this year on a natural cycle, which makes me think my uterus just can’t cut it, but we can actually conceive. So frustrating when your body works, but you can’t get to that end result.
Sorry for the long comment, but I wanted to say hi because our stories are so similar. We’ve also been trying 4 years. I also enjoyed your post on baby-making sex! Good luck with the consultation!